Strength, perception & reality

Just by reading this blog, someone may find it odd that I write this: perception is very important. It has a major effect on all of us in many of the things we do. Expectations are closely related with perception. Psychologically, our expectations of certain results have quite an impact on whether or not they will occur. Of course I believe that getting caught up in how other people might judge me is a bad idea. But, I also know that the best probability I have of projecting a certain image of myself is to perceive myself that way first. If I do that, and if I expect that of myself, chances are I will go beyond perception and actually be that way. Funny how that works.

A common problem for many PWDs (i.e. people with disabilities) occurs socially within dating. Often, these people have issues with getting others to acknowledge them as sexual beings. Quads and paraplegics have to convince others that their bodies still work, albeit differently. A woman must overcome the external impression that she is being taken advantage of. Surprisingly, these issues are often self-imposed as these PWDs are simply worried that the able-bodied individuals they meet are thinking this way when, in reality, many of them are not. It can be very difficult to figure out how to project a date-able image to others.

The first step in this specific problem is for those affected to make an internal adjustment on their impressions of themselves. I went through this exact thing, myself, and it is frustrating. I remember fighting the urge to tell a woman I had just met that, well, you know. The uncertainty and the patience required are difficult to get used to, and it is difficult. Most social situations do not make it easy to get your point across without acting inappropriately. I had to understand that I could only control what I could control. To project myself as a sexual being, I had to perceive it that way, and then leave the outside perceptions up to everyone else.

Eventually, I made my adjustment and I learned the same patience for that scenario as I did for any other. The major roadblock for anyone in that situation is body acceptance. For as long as I can remember, I had a major phobia of a tracheostomy. I can honestly say that I would get emotional just thinking about the potential of me having one. I had the strength to overcome every other change in my appearance, but it took me years and years to accept what that might bring should I ever decide to get one. I did it, though, and the strength it took made the rest pale in comparison.

This has been a good thing for me, as I realize I will need someone extra extra special. So that means I'll get to meet someone extra extra special. My approach to this stuff is essentially my approach to everything else. I think we all need to be strong at some point in our lives. In order to do that, however, we must be able to feel strong. It's kind of an obvious "2+2" thing, but how can we ever have strength when we need it if we don't think we can feel strong?

I've always had powers of observation, and I've been able to maximize my understanding of a thing through a limited amount of experience with it. I have looked down the barrel enough times to realize that I am a very strong person. When I go through things now, or think about potential experiences, I am able to tell myself in good faith that I know I will be able to face it. But there's no substitute for the real thing, and my faith in myself is strongest after I survive literally. It doesn't matter what I survive, just that I survive.

I believe that my adventures are a prime example of how perception and reality depend on one another. To really find myself in an optimal position, I cannot allow myself to be ruled only by the way things are, at the moment. However, in order to remain grounded, I must be vigilant as to how much stock I put into perception, from within and without. On the flip side, my goals will be achieved only when I have the courage to first perceive, and then to be, the thing that I want to be.

Song Series: "The Stone" by Dave Matthews Band

Today, I introduce a new feature to the blog. I will use the Song Series to give brief interpretations of some of my favorite songs. Today's edition is from the Dave Matthews Band album: Before These Crowded Streets. Here are my impressions of "The Stone".

The song is divided into two basic tones. The rhythm of the music gives an idea of the back-and-forth between them. The dissonance tells us that they are at odds. The verses represent to me the nagging tug of reality. Indeed, there are lines like "I will go a long way from that fool's mistake/And forever pay, no run, I will run and I'll be okay" and "I will go a long way to bury the past for I don't want to pay/Oh how I wish, this, to turn back the clock and do over again". Our lives are full of mistakes and they probably wouldn't be worth living if we didn't make a few. Some are more serious than others, so we face that inner conflict of knowing we deserve the consequences but also trying to find a way out. I'm sure every person has had a situation they wish they could run from or start over.

In fact, that is an inescapable quality of this world. Perfect in its imperfection. I really believe in that. The truth of it is, in my eyes, one of the main ways we are defined is by getting thrown into the muck and digging ourselves out. The verses present feelings that occur in the moment, but looking outside-in, I'm able to say that I wouldn't be who I am without the tough stuff and the need to strive beyond it. I think this is the reason there is so much ambivalence in each verse.

Whereas the verses give us conflict, the chorus offers a sense of serenity within a relationship between two individuals. The song is quite ambiguous in terms of deciding how much of a romantic element is involved. However, my personal belief is that it is a relationship between lovers. The lyrics read "I was just wondering if you'd come along/Hold up my head when my head won't hold on/I'll do the same if the same's what you want/But if not I'll go, I will go a long way".

This part is sung in what could be described as a loving tone. There is a hope for a relationship of mutual love and the emotion of if you want to be with me I want to be with you but if not I'll be fine on my own, which is often found. That's when we're hit by the last line of the chorus which bleeds into the first parts of the verses, furthering the tension between the safety of the relationship and the harshness of the real world.

The irony of this idea is that I believe the tension can be broken. That ability rests within the individuals and their choosing to do the "mutual love" part and not the "I'll be fine on my own" part. I believe strongly in inner strength and independence, but I also think that strength often needs additional support. The best relationship, for me, makes me believe in myself even more.

And so, I think the song implicitly gives the answer to the problem it presents. The two tones, the two worlds, in the song are separate and at odds. The answer? Yes, that's right... put ‘em together. Combine the two. Introduce the harshness into the relationship. That sounds weird, but I'm talking about that thing we don't really like doing. Share how that makes you feel. In addition, introduce the relationship into the real world. Let yourself trust in someone else even when you're in the muck and alone. It's difficult, hence the song, but it's something I know I need to do. I take comfort in the way the song ends. A beautiful, and unmistakably positive, set of strings fading into silence.