A Year in Review

Best & Worst of 2008

Worst --

The Surgery: I went through yet another "worst ordeal of my life" and in consecutive years! I'll explain later how much the support I did receive during this time meant to me. However, the vulnerability I went through and continue to feel could only be addressed in certain ways that haven't been possible for me lately.

No Work: even on my blog, the writing was sporadic this year. In my journal, I was more productive early, then came the surgery, then came a self-imposed sabbatical until the new year. No paid work for obvious reasons.

Lonesome Dove: a tough one socially speaking... no lady friends, saw my other friends here and there, not much opportunity to blow off steam.

Sucky Sports: the Lakers lost the finals to Boston, of all teams. USC lost to Oregon State, AGAIN!

WGA MIA: the writers’ strike killed the momentum of many a good TV show. Heroes struck out with me; 24 got postponed after a very down year; BSG's final chapters got pushed back.

RIP 'Roi: DMB saxophonist LeRoi Moore passed after a health crisis and amidst one of the band's best tours of all time. In music, Jack Johnson produced his first shit show of an album.

Best --

The Surgery: even though my time in the hospital was extraordinarily difficult, it ended up being the best thing for my overall health & state of being in years. I reached the final stages of healing that I will finish up in the new year and begin the return trip to a normal life once again.

Percolation: results were slim, but the benefit of a tough, adverse year has been a mind fertile with ideas. I gathered my list of literary magazines, my poetry improved, and my body-mind is in a great position to write up a storm in the months ahead.

Social Caterpillar: I couldn't be my gregarious self this year, but I had a lot to say with those who came close enough to listen. I saw a lot of true friendship during my times of need. And that was worth the cost. In addition, the small number of new friends I met were, indeed, true friends.

Seasons Behind & Ahead: Kobe closed last season as MVP, then the Lakers began anew as the best team on paper, then struggled, then handed the Celtics their ass in the year's greatest Christmas present. The Trojans won the 2008 Rose Bowl, then started the new season, recovering from Oregon State by winning 10 straight including a kick-ass showing in the 2009 Rose Bowl against Penn State.

Compelling: TV got good, real good. Big Bang Theory announced it's here to stay while Mother remained strong. Chuck vastly improved, I discovered House & Always Sunny, Life stayed amazing as always, True Blood premiered and Entourage was a force to be reckoned with.

Filmy: add these to best all-time -- Into The Wild (best I've ever seen), The Dark Knight, The Darjeeling Limited, Once. Iron Man and WallE were damn good, and others...

New Music: for discovering Fleet Foxes, that alone makes this year an incredible one in music. Honorable mention goes to Noah and the Whale. This year was also my first exposure to Nick Drake along with Sigur Ros and the most recent Shins album. Excellent, excellent stuff.

Learning, Changing, Growing, Thriving: fantastic year in family. The nieces & nephews somehow got older! New babies joined my "extended" family. And I became a godfather.

Resolutions

Reading -- I resolve to read at least 3 Dostoevsky pieces including Crime & Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov, 3 London pieces including White Fang and The Call of the Wild, and 3 Hemingway pieces. I resolve to always be in the middle of a modern piece of literature and a classic piece, in addition to reading for research.

Writing -- I resolve to submit at least 6 pieces of my work to literary magazines by June, no matter the genre. I resolve to finish the memoir of my latest health battle, and write at least a sentence of new material 4 days per week.

Cooking -- I resolve to take up cooking as a past time by planning one meal each month.

Music -- I resolve to tell everyone to listen to Fleet Foxes. I resolve to listen to more classical & jazz.

Personal -- In addition to some private personal resolutions, I resolve to be more open about telling people I love them.

Clarity Practice Balance

Words are very important to me. For many obvious reasons, both artistic and personal, I have always had an interest in being able to find and use the right words in a given situation. The artistic importance of this is pretty self-evident. As for the personal, well, that comes from a life of needing to express myself through words. Ironically, that is easier said than done. It is mostly intuitive. I don't read words of the day or look through the thesaurus. I am blessed with a great memory that allows me to simply pick up great words here and there. And I try not to force their use.

My meditation practices are also fairly commonplace: concentrating on breathing, counting, humming a simple sustained note, or just being mindful of my own thoughts. Another thing I like to do is to choose a word, close my eyes, and focus deeply on what that one, particular word means to me.

Lately, I've been meditating on clarity. There is an analogy I read about somewhere that says the mind is like a glass of water with sediment in it. When your thoughts get all mixed up and start flying around, it's like sediment getting dusted up and clouding the water in the glass. In order to think more effectively, you need to slow down and relax and basically stop thinking. Then, the sediment sinks to the bottom and the water in the glass becomes clear.

So my meditation has been to try and maintain careful focus on clarity, and only clarity. I mean this literally. For weeks, I would concentrate on attempting to keep my mind clear. Each time I sensed random thought creeping in, I would repeat (not verbally) the word "clarity" to myself until any other thought passed away. Eventually, one thought began to come back continually. It was a conversation I'd had with my aunt about the idea of practice. That is, both practicing some particular event in your mind before actually carrying it out, as well as the act of putting things into practice. My view of it is that each time we put something into practice, it is our chance to do it the right way in that moment and also to use it as an opportunity to practice & prepare for future moments.

I knew, then, that the meaning of clarity had something to do with practice. I needed to figure out what that was. Now, most of my meditation sessions involve using more than one technique. The mind ties them all together. After the "clarity" technique, I would always listen to my thoughts without trying to control them. Finally, one day the words "clarity, practice, balance" came to me, in that order. Eureka!

Balance has always been important to me. I'm an optimist by nature, but as I've gotten older I've tried to pair that with realism. Balance is where I find that. I believe it is very difficult for us to keep a clear focus when we fall to extremes. Whether it's gluttony or starvation, moving hard to either side of the emotional spectrum can cloud our judgment. If the water in the glass is knocked off balance, the sediment at the bottom will dust up as the water finds its own level.

Since this insight, my mantra has been these three words: Clarity Practice Balance. It tells me that a clear mind is found by practicing balance at each opportunity.

Clarity. Practice. Balance.

They Say There's Magic in the Air

The first entry I ever wrote on this blog had to do with my small, but memorable, role in contributing to the premiere of the musical, 13, in Los Angeles in January of 2007. Now, after a long and most likely arduous process of revising, rewriting, recasting, and retooling, the musical will make its Broadway debut on Sunday. If you'll be in NYC during its first run, go see it. If you need some new music, check out the cast album. This is a big weekend in my household, with a big Trojan home game and the Dodgers poised to make a run into the NLCS. And now thanks to my friend Jason, the success of 13 is right up there at the top of my list.

To all the cast and crew:

Break a leg!

My First Quarter-Century

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. I spent the weekend leading up to it first celebrating the birthdays of my mom and brother the week before and then thinking about what it meant for me to have lived 25 years. I thought about it both in context with just this past year and with all 25 together. You know, I consider myself to be pretty well-adjusted and I have a healthy self-esteem, but I also strive to be humble and I have a hard time just giving myself big-time compliments. That being said, however, I feel compelled to do just that this time.

I'm very proud of myself. I view reaching the age of 25 as a major achievement in my life. There is something significant about the age in general, but it means more for me. I had a chance to discuss it with my mom. She remarked lightly, "Who would've thunk it 25 years ago?" I thought about that a little more seriously, and responded, "How about 22 years ago?". Of course, this was a reference to the age of my diagnosis. And in 1986, the outlook in those informational pamphlets was grim for all boys by the age of 18.

Oh, I've had my chances to step out, as my friend would so eloquently say. When I call my most recent health challenge -- which ended in that most successful surgery -- a struggle, I really mean it. I was really weakened battling those wounds. I honestly believed I was at my bottom when I found out surgery was necessary, and there were a couple of weeks where I didn't feel like my body would be able to withstand that stress. But, I had to man up and do it, like it or not. This is the reason why I feel I have achieved so much in the last month. I found strength at my lowest point and willed my way through.

I read through the year in review I posted around the time of my last birthday, and there is definitely the sense of declining health for me as I read it. There are so many heavy topics for discussion in it. So much seriousness, so much pain. I was ready for it to be over then, but obviously there was much more fun in store. I'm glad for it, though, because now I feel stronger than ever. My breathing is good and getting better. I feel like I have work to do and the energy to get it done. My appetite is excellent, and always ready for more. I even feel my senses heightened.

For all these reasons and more, 25 is a big, big deal. And this year, I plan on bringing the focus back to regular, happy things. I'm going to work on my writing and continue to be published. I have to keep spoiling my nieces & nephews. I want to enjoy more of life's simple pleasures like good music or a nice bottle of red. Most importantly, I have a social life to renew. It is definitely grand to go from needing to find a surgeon & a way to get better to wanting to find a girlfriend & have a relationship. Enough seriousness. For now, I'll take the little things.

There's no time to lose!

What It Means to Be a Trojan

I just recently overcame a big obstacle in my life. After a nearly 2-year health struggle, I ended up facing the need to have surgery. Going into it, I had already used up my strength battling the struggles before. I had already done my best, and I felt like I gave everything I could possibly give. And then I needed to give a little more. I needed to grit my teeth once again and ready for a bigger and more important battle. I knew that my next test would be the only one that mattered. In order to win, I knew I had to be thankful for everything behind me, mindful of everything ahead, and completely focused on the task at hand. And I did that, I succeeded.

I succeeded because I willed myself to feel fresh & prepared for each wave upon wave of pain I went through. I saw all the threats and I knew what they meant, but I didn't turn my back on them, and I could have. No, I faced them. In my mind, it wasn't what I could do, it was what I must do. And all this occurred before I even thought about the difficult part: the surgery itself. Soon, I faced that. Fear, agony, confusion, frustration, anger... these were my opponents. I faced a choice. I could give in to them, forget about all the skills I had that could get me through, and simply hide in a fog of medication and defeat. Or... I could man up and trust all the things that got me to where I was. I could trust in my way of doing things, my faith, knowledge, skills, courage, and my ambition to be victorious. And that's just what I did, I faced it and I succeeded.

The funny thing was I was glad to be in that situation, in my element. Sure it was hard, and it physically did not feel good to go through, but at the same time I knew all the way through that it was where I belonged. It's how I decide who I really am, in the adversity. In those moments of challenge, that's where you see the real you. So I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the opportunity to do something great for myself, to say, "Hey, I'm doing the right things the right way and that's what makes me great."

That's what happens on Saturday for a whole team of Trojans, when USC takes on Ohio State. There comes a time when you realize that Trojan is not just some word or some mascot. It represents something. It means something. It means that you don't run away from the adversity. No, it's just the opposite. You seek it out. You seek the challenge. You put yourself in a position where you're under a threat from your opponent. You put yourself in a position where you can lose. Not only that, not only do you seek out your adversaries willingly, but you enjoy doing it! You are glad that your whole season, that everything you worked for and everything you're trying to achieve is all on the line.

This is a great thing. Why? No risk, no reward. What good is a victory you don't earn? What good is winning & success when it doesn't cost you your hard work, your body, your spirit? When you face your toughest tests, you want to walk away from them knowing, not feeling or thinking, but knowing that you gave every single thing you had. That you gave as much as the guy standing next to you. When you do that, there is no one that can be let down. And that is how you embody the Trojan. Darrell Rideaux once asked for everything from his teammates, telling them to go out and fight like men, fight like Trojans. And this is what you want to see.

Fight On, Trojans. Beat those Buckeyes.

The Wisdom is Knowing Where to Look

I once heard this wise woman speak. She was the type of person who could see things about people, things that others couldn't, or wouldn't see. She said, "If you want to find God don't look up, look around." The older I get, the more I realize how much this statement influences the role faith plays in my life. Personally, I believe anyone who can sit down and definitively say, "God is this," or "God is that," is either lying or crazy. I wouldn't ever presume to define totally who or what God is. I'm always careful to preface my feelings on this subject that it does come down to unprovable faith. My worldview works because it comes from my experience, and it's one that can't be totally understood unless someone else could somehow have exactly the same experience. One thing I do know is that the verb "to know" has no place in this discussion. However, that makes faith all the more meaningful. I do not know, and because of that, I believe.

I believe in this wise woman's statement. When we look around, we might see the signs: beauty & Art; nature, the ordered universe, and science; freedom, truth, and love. Most of all, we might see it in ourselves and in the other people around us. It is unfortunate that the easiest way comes in the void left when a loved one leaves us. When we mourn the absence of that person, we remind ourselves of all the things they brought to us. In the best of circumstances, they bring us together. Beyond the specific gifts and memories each person leaves behind, they all teach us to look to each other and see God in that most unclear place, within ourselves and within others.

But why is it unclear? We get caught up in daily life, which is only natural, and I believe we're not used to looking. I've always thought media perception is so contrived, and I find it most hollow when celebrities talk about giving all their glory to God and then they point up into the sky. Now I don't judge others' self-expression, and pointing to the sky is not a problem in and of itself, but what does it say when the appearance of faith is more important than the faith itself? Why does it matter that strangers know what you believe?

So, it takes a lot of practice to see spirit clearly in other people, in all people, especially in our day-to-day lives. In spite of that, I believe the faith it takes to keep that practice going leads to a realization that the most vivid experience of God is in humanity. It is simultaneously the experience most vulnerable to a loss of faith. People are capable of a full range of kind and terrible acts. The challenge of faith is easy to understand when you can see both love and hate in the same being. Equally challenging is the loss of a loved one. They can bring us together, but that is in the best of circumstances. Everyone grieves differently, and this kind of adversity can also drive people apart. This points to the importance of seeing God in ourselves.

What irritates me more than Celebrity Faith is faith dependent on the outcome of events, or as I call it: Results-Based Faith. It is my belief that if we can see God in ourselves and strive toward that ideal, then bad things can happen without harming us. My goal is being the best I can in this life, not setting a standard for myself that is unreachable.

I look around at the amazing things in this world, and I make damn sure I take pleasure in them completely.

Unbound

I've been dealing with some health issues for much of the last two years. Recently, there was a complication that will require correction by surgery. The outpouring of support for me has been tremendous, as usual. But by no means do I take it for granted as, again, I feel extremely fortunate and blessed. Just this past week alone has given me much to reflect on with regard to friendship.

I spent this past Tuesday evening with two old but extremely close friends I hadn't seen in a long time. They are lovers who have been together forever, it seems like. He works in asset management up in Pasadena, and She is a receptionist at a local silk screening place. All we did was have pizza & beer together and then watch a little TV, and yet so much more took place. As I've written before, sharing a meal (being at table) with loved ones is a sacred thing, no matter how informal. I'm an emotional guy, and I already know that I will grow more emotional when I near my surgery date, which will then be the time to exchange affection & loving words. What I needed that Tuesday night was simply to talk and to relax, something easy to do when laughter is the favorite past time of this couple & I.

Wednesday and Thursday of last week took me way back, all the way to memories of the elementary school days. On Wednesday, two friends (who are both brothers of the guy I went to school with) and their mom, as well as another young lady & friend to us all, stopped by to talk and reminisce. The guys and I looked forward, discussing things like musical inspiration, college majors, and life philosophy. They reminded me of me: bright and positive, looking at the good. It was a boost I needed at exactly that time. "Smile, we are alive," one great friend said.

Thursday was another trip in the Wayback Machine, as I saw another beautiful friend who also went to grade school with me. She and I had not seen each other in five years, by my count. When she arrived, my mom attended to the door telling me that some gorgeous woman was approaching. My mom was certainly right, yet at the same time the beauty I refer to came from finding myself on the same wavelength with this other wonderful person. And, quite truthfully, the two of us had not really had a meaningful conversation since the end of grade school. Remarkable. We spoke of many things: freedom and goals and expressing love and overcoming adversity. Surprise, surprise, more philosophy with me.

The next few days saw visits from my godfather and aunt, a married couple I knew from my SC years, and my brother, sister-in-law, niece & nephew. They were all similarly simple and yet meaningful. My aunt and godfather have always made me feel so comfortable with my own maturity, which has come from my individual life experience. Without fail, my godfather finds the time to get my take on things, adult to adult. I always find myself up late talking and talking with that particular married couple from college, and I always love it. They're so at home with me. That brings me comfort. At last, I closed the weekend gathered with my niece & nephew and their parents and grandparents, singing Irish folk songs together.

When I think about friendship and friends, I make a significant distinction between those things and acquaintances. My friends are people I deeply love. One major aspect of friendship that strikes me is the form of love it takes. Friendship is unbound love.

Love between friends comes with no built-in barrier. People may place limits, but only by choice. To me, this is the greatest advantage the love of friendship has. Individuals unrelated by blood can become family through it, and this has happened many times over for me. I have a few sisters, and many brothers, thanks to my realization regarding unbound love. When appropriate, younger & older generations can become equals through friendship. I believe one form of this is children aging and then beginning to assume caretaker roles for their parents. Lastly, this definition of friendship can allow friends refraining from any sort of limit to become lovers. Especially strong romantic love is born out of the unbound love of friendship.

These are just some of my inspirations on friendship from this past week.

Super Tiger

In the past six months, Tiger Woods officially played in seven golf tournaments. He won five of them, including his second-place finish at the Masters in April and his 14th Major Championship win at the U.S. Open this past weekend. As remarkable as this is, there's something amiss. What's the problem? The problem is that Tiger Woods tore his ACL. Last July.

Following this year's Masters, Tiger had arthroscopic surgery to clean up some cartilage that was damaged as a result of playing golf on a torn knee. Two weeks before the Open, he suffered a double stress fracture in the tibia on the same leg. The doctor said treatment involved six weeks without golf. Tiger said, "I'm playing in the U.S. Open, and I'm going to win." That is precisely what he did.



That highlight video is the best I can find, and it gives you a sense of the exceptional nature of Tiger's play. However, the incredible putts and chips, the gargantuan tee shots, those are only the products of Woods' greatness. The biggest highlight isn't conducive to a three-minute clip. The biggest highlight is how this gladiator, this warrior, this man gritted his teeth and endured 91 holes of USGA torture. That's right... four rounds, an 18-hole playoff, and one sudden-death hole on one leg without a word about what was wrong. Now, that is a grinder.

I'm not much for celebrity, and I know how much perception can be manipulated, so I'll never know for sure. But in my opinion, the source of Woods' greatness is in his mind and, dare I say, in his spirit. Mental toughness, strength, even courage, it is not an exaggeration to find these things in someone like Tiger. And all that we see on TV is only a tenth of the exhausting work, the effort, and the heart that he puts in. Despite the money, despite the fame, that's integrity, because no one will ever know the soul put into the work.

Add to the above the practice of repetition, of repeatedly doing the right things to get you to where you want to go, as well as the presence at the end of the day to be a husband and be a father and you will get a recipe for all the things I learned by watching a golf tournament last weekend. With tomorrow being the one-year anniversary of my launching this blog, I hope to incorporate into my writing over the next year the things I learned from Tiger which are also things others have long told me.

And maybe Elin Woods' twin sister is available, too...

To live and die in LA

A friend of mine is taking a class on Los Angeles culture. He asked me to participate in a survey for one of his research papers, and upon reading the questions, I thought my answers would make a great blog entry. Here they are:

1. Use one word to describe Los Angeles and explain why you chose that particular word.

Freedom. Both literally and figuratively, Los Angeles is a sprawling, wide-open place. Your experience here is mostly up to you, you get what you put in. This is both good and bad. There is no handholding or safety net in Los Angeles, and that quality is definitely not for everyone. However, for people who are self-starters, the freedom in LA is great because you are responsible for the risks you take but at the same time, you earn the rewards, and these are considerable when you get to be the one determining them.

2. What do you see as some of the most positive aspects of Los Angeles?

The weather is great year-round. Being on the coast, the ocean is literally a short drive away. It is a great sports town, as far as the teams are concerned. There is a ton of variety as far as having things to do. For any type of person, there are innumerable places to go and activities to participate in on any given day.

3. What do you see as some of the most negative aspects of Los Angeles?

The traffic is the single worst part of Los Angeles. It does factor into almost every decision with regard to going and doing things in LA because of the time impact. Public transportation is mediocre at best, and very poorly designed. The sports fans, in general, are not as great as the teams. They are too fair-weather, only showing support when the teams are winning championships. Less superficially, both the actual danger and the perception of danger in urban areas are significant negatives.

4. Do you feel a sense of community in Los Angeles? If so, what unites the people? If not, what are the sources of division?

There is a definite sense of community in Los Angeles. Part of it comes from the variety of the people. In many places, variety drives people apart, but in Los Angeles the people seem to have molded their own, new culture out of a combination of all the background traditions of each person living here. The people of Los Angeles are most united by the fact that they know you have to live here and appreciate this place in order to understand it.

5. If someone you knew was moving to Los Angeles, what advice would you give him/her?

The first thing I would tell her is to buy a reliable, high gas mileage automobile. Never underestimate the importance of that. Also, on a more philosophical level, I would tell her to try and keep her mind as free and open as I believe Los Angeles is. Don't try to pin the place down or quickly define it without spending a good amount of time here. The whole Hollywood thing is overblown, and a lot of people new to the area make the mistake of thinking Hollywood is all there is.

6. How do you see Los Angeles in 50 years? What are your hopes for L.A.? What are your fears?

50 years is a really long time... by that time, Los Angeles could be the capital of Mexico, Canada, or China for that matter. I'm not sure where I see myself in 50 years. In the future, I see downtown becoming more of a social destination especially as it is beginning to be cleaned up. I see many of the urban areas, that have been given up on, returning to neighborhoods and communities again. My fear for LA is that the common culture that all of the people here have created gets eroded by political correctness. I'm afraid of the possibility of the city losing its openness if the people turn away from what unites them. My hope for LA is that all of the great things about this city only get stronger, and the people are able to fix the weaknesses. I hope that Los Angeles installs a new, efficient public transportation system that is well-designed, perhaps a monorail, so that the one big negative is eliminated once and for all.

Update

Hello again! It has been a long time. Summer is coming, Memorial Day weekend is over, and the Lakers meet the defending champion Spurs in San Antonio tonight for Game 4 of the NBA's Western Conference Finals. My life has been busy as of late, also. As some may know, I've been dealing with some health issues for the past year or so. Recently, there were some minor complications that took my focus away from my work. The good news is that I have decided the key to healing is to carry on with my life undeterred, so I have begun to do that.

Admittedly, there has been some added stress at first and while I find adversity inspires my creative side, that only comes after I digest events. The well of ideas tends to dry up during the moment of stress itself. However, my droughts are usually followed by floods, and so I have kept myself immersed in the arts, as I love to do: reading the second installment of Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle, watching things like the film Molière and series LOST, and listening to music from The Shins and Damien Rice. I'm looking forward to the time, hopefully inevitable, in which I continue creating my own art.

I have made one change to the blog which you can see in the right hand column. I just recently began using Twitter. It's pretty amazing, and interestingly, it's a technological advance designed to simplify communication. Anyway, you can find me on the web site under "jtmurphy” or simply check this blog from time to time as the Twitter Updates are synced live. Since it has been such a long time, I'm posting a special treat... the rough draft opening of my latest project. The working title is: Body & Soul. Enjoy!


Guillo sits in his apartment, looking through the tree outside of his huge picture window into the sky. In his eyes, he looks far away from his setting, but he snaps back into focus in an instant. He then picks up his paintbrush, selects the appropriate shade of blue from his acrylics, and continues filling in the sky above his jungle scene. Guillo's canvas is situated in front of that south facing window and next to the east wall. On the canvas is the scene, where green dominates. Sky filters in at the top only, then the green begins very lightly and then progressively becomes darker and denser all the way to the jungle floor. Trees and leaves and all manner of plants fill the background, everything green. The yellowed circle of leaves in the foreground's center, then, draws the eye to the action of the piece. A black panther is out in the open, looking forward to a place not pictured. Viewing the painting, she would be staring off to the left. On her back is a curious creature, a bright blue parrot with a large beak. He faces the opposite direction looking behind her, checking out the path they came from, although that is also not pictured. The painting is almost finished, but the details that are left are the most important.

Quickly, Guillo finishes up his sky and stares blankly at the un-detailed parts of his animals and jungle. His face squeezes in a perplexed moment, and he puts down his paintbrush. Then, he draws in a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and looks up. This is his favorite corner of the large studio apartment his parents bought for him three years ago. Although, to call it a studio is a gross understatement as the space is more like an open dance hall. The southeast corner is where Guillo works. Each one of his paintings, now highly acclaimed, was done right here.