Since April, I've been corresponding with a man named Ezekiel Noah Moirana. He is my age, about three years older. He is from Tanzania. We were put in touch by my doctor, Kimberly Shriner. She specializes in infectious diseases and is the one responsible for keeping me bug free over two years of wound care. I would not be healed today without her. In 1996, Dr. Shriner founded the Phil Simon Clinic, a premier nonprofit, multidisciplinary HIV/AIDS facility & organization operating out of Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena. In addition to the incredibly comprehensive service the clinic provides to the San Gabriel Valley, there is also the Tanzania Project. This is a small, but effective, community-based approach to bringing the same kind of service to East Africa, where it is desperately needed. Each year, the Phil Simon group tends to Tanzania with the care, attention, and skilled medical background that the group possesses.
Kimberly and Ezekiel met, somewhat fortuitously, several years ago. She and all the Tanzania Project people were so impressed with him, with what he's all about, that the Phil Simon Clinic took on another goal: to help Ezekiel earn his medical degree. It's not an exaggeration to say that Ezekiel is an amazing person. His goal is to help make things better for his country, and he says that the best way for him to do that is through medicine, and I could not agree more. He told me that the ratio of doctors to patients in his country is 1 to 26,000. So, he feels an enormous duty to set an example and show other people that love and a desire to help others should be our priority. He is a warm, gentle, and yet strong person. I recall how he touched my arm with both hands when he said hello. He has a way of embracing each person strongly in a greeting without smothering. That is his way in all things. He talked to me about treating people with an affliction like HIV or even some kind of addiction. He pointed out that these persons are not just bodies filled with symptoms, and that we are, all of us, not any better or worse than these persons. Don't treat them with anger or contempt, or pity. Look them in the eye, and interact with them, person to person. The Phil Simon Clinic donors funded Ezekiel's education in medicine. I believe that he is now one year away from his residency.
He and I communicated through e-mail for about six months. Although our words were sometimes confused, we spoke the same language. This past October, Ezekiel came to the states for a month with another doctor, Dr. Palapala, to gain invaluable experience learning and working at the Huntington. It was near the end of this time that we were able to finally meet and visit. We had a nice, long conversation in the afternoon on October 26. It was a very special time, and that is when he gave me a very special gift. Ezekiel is a member of the Maasai, a tribe whose name is not usually recognized in America but its distinctive bright red clothing is. Ezekiel is also a morani, or warrior. He presented me with a morani shuka, a sheet used for clothing. He made me a Maasai Warrior, telling everyone that, "Jonathan is a warrior." Later, he came back on Halloween to see me one last time before he returned home to his wife Jessica, his daughter Nancy, and his newborn son Collin. He said that he would not say goodbye, only "see you later," and that he would be back next year.
I'm really still processing everything that happened in Ezekiel's visits. He's not much of a small talker as it is, even though we spent some time on American football. These were quite momentous visits, the kind where you give each other the Cliff's Notes of your lives. Ezekiel and I are certainly very similar, so we were able to easily talk about things like the ways of the world, the meaning of life, how you should best perceive society, and how you could impact it. Ezekiel is the kind of guy where, when he looks you in the eye and says something, you believe absolutely that he is telling the truth and that he will accomplish what he sets out to do. He could tell you he was going to swan dive Niagara Falls and you'd be at the shoreline with a towel for him. So, when he talked about his goal to help his fellow Tanzanians, especially by turning the tide against HIV, I had no doubt. When he said he hoped to one day talk to Hashim Thabeet, the 7'3" NBA rookie from Tanzania, about donating money to the cause, I believed unequivocally that he would follow that up and get to Thabeet on sheer will alone if he had to.
Ezekiel taught me some extremely important things. He taught me that kindred spirits are real. He taught me that a soulmate does not have to be tied to a romantic connection. That two men, from most different backgrounds & circumstances, living on near opposite sides of the world, with no blood relation and never having met before in person, can be brothers. Think about that. I mean it. Brothers. That's remarkable. For me, that realization changed some of my perceptions and strengthened some others. He taught me about love. Here, we are so used to trying to redirect those overwhelming feelings of love & desires to share our hearts from the relationships that do not involve sex or romance to the ones that do.
For Ezekiel, he is so much more open and giving and free with his love to all. I'm certain that he loves his wife Jessica dearly and I'm certain that they have an incredible bond. But Ezekiel doesn't let that stop him from also sharing his heart with others. He also listens to his heart, with surprising clarity considering how intelligent he is. My experience with brilliant people is that they are sometimes up in their own heads too much. It only took a couple of minutes in my house for Ezekiel to feel in his heart that my parents are special people and that we have a happy home. So, Ezekiel has taught me to trust my instincts more. He taught me about hope. Because he has so much wisdom, when he says to always have hope, no matter what, that's something you take to heart.
Ezekiel seems so full of his emotions and his life and yet simultaneously not at all controlled or dominated by his emotions or his own concern for his life. He has a fullness to him without any trace of excess. No hurry, no stress. No pressure. In speech or deed. Everything he did was slow and calm and measured. It seems like he wants to genuinely do everything with the utmost honesty & concentration. He would tell a story and maintain eye contact the whole way, but I never felt like he was staring at me. He would say a phrase or sentence and then pause and let it sink in, without the silence being uncomfortable or without him making a noise like, "um," to fill it in. Then, he would continue. It took me a few times to figure this out and not feel like he was waiting for me to break in. He just has such a deliberate way about him, and again, without being boring or something like that.
What I haven't been able to figure out is how someone like Ezekiel can get as much done, and actually more so, while also having that calm & mellow demeanor and way of going through life. Honestly, they must have 30 hour days in Tanzania. I don't know why, but the phrase I keep coming back to for describing him and his people is to say that the Maasai are people of the earth. Ezekiel was born in a mud hut in Arusha, one of the most-used base towns for African safaris. I think there is something to that, that closeness with the natural world. Obviously, there are things that need to change in Tanzania. There are ways of ours that the Tanzanians need. However, it gives me pause to think about the external factors Ezekiel faced growing up, as well as my own. Although I know that Ezekiel & I both feel like we're simply living the way were supposed to live, I can take a step back and see that we are probably special people. So, it gives me pause to think about changing anything that helps to shape people like that. There's something to be said about struggling through adversity and living "closer to the ground."
He talked about what I have called: maximizing the experience, which is learning from every situation, every experience. He said that he thought you could find the good in every person and learn from it, and accept that we all have the bad but you don't have to put the emphasis on it. Continuing with the natural world thing, he also talked about learning from the animals. One of his goals, I believe, is to learn from everything and put it into practice. He wants to help people and get others to help as well, but he doesn't think you can tell people to do these things. He is all about learning & acting, and being the example. If people change themselves and become a part of the solution, great, if not, then we will just keep on going.
Another thing that Ezekiel showed me was what it is to interact with another person and gain knowledge in doing so. He talked about how, when I meet you, I am now connected to you so that your special qualities are now mine and my special qualities are now yours. So, too, are your problems mine and my problems yours. In this way, we strengthen each other. Perhaps something that makes you special can help me with my problem, and vice versa. As Ezekiel pointed out, he is a doctor and I need medical care, while I am a writer and he needs someone who believes what he believes and can conceptualize it more succinctly. It is simply a matter of connecting with each person and finding how we each strengthen each other. Here again, Ezekiel teaches me a way to reconcile individualism with communalism, just as he can maintain eye contact without staring or be my kindred spirit without it feeling weird. That is one large reason why he is remarkable. He is not about division. He is about union.
Ezekiel is the closest thing to being Heaven sent that I've ever experienced. And I know that that's putting a lot on him, but I also know that he has a similar feeling about me. He told me that, at first, he thought maybe I was told what to write to him in my e-mails because my beliefs & feelings were so close to the beliefs he has and the way he sees the world. I went back and read a couple and realized that most of the things I expressed to him, I came to feel strongly about well before I had even met Dr. Shriner, let alone heard of Ezekiel. It is interesting to me that my name means "gift of God," while his name means "God strengthens." I am not someone who reads into coincidence or leaves his faith up to the happenings of events & institutions, but there is such a synergy in everything to do with Ezekiel that I can't deny that it's a real God-strengthening experience for me. Without any notion that I'm forgoing reason or logic, there's true happiness there, a feeling that it's right.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
A Year in Review
Best & Worst of 2008
Worst --
The Surgery: I went through yet another "worst ordeal of my life" and in consecutive years! I'll explain later how much the support I did receive during this time meant to me. However, the vulnerability I went through and continue to feel could only be addressed in certain ways that haven't been possible for me lately.
No Work: even on my blog, the writing was sporadic this year. In my journal, I was more productive early, then came the surgery, then came a self-imposed sabbatical until the new year. No paid work for obvious reasons.
Lonesome Dove: a tough one socially speaking... no lady friends, saw my other friends here and there, not much opportunity to blow off steam.
Sucky Sports: the Lakers lost the finals to Boston, of all teams. USC lost to Oregon State, AGAIN!
WGA MIA: the writers’ strike killed the momentum of many a good TV show. Heroes struck out with me; 24 got postponed after a very down year; BSG's final chapters got pushed back.
RIP 'Roi: DMB saxophonist LeRoi Moore passed after a health crisis and amidst one of the band's best tours of all time. In music, Jack Johnson produced his first shit show of an album.
Best --
The Surgery: even though my time in the hospital was extraordinarily difficult, it ended up being the best thing for my overall health & state of being in years. I reached the final stages of healing that I will finish up in the new year and begin the return trip to a normal life once again.
Percolation: results were slim, but the benefit of a tough, adverse year has been a mind fertile with ideas. I gathered my list of literary magazines, my poetry improved, and my body-mind is in a great position to write up a storm in the months ahead.
Social Caterpillar: I couldn't be my gregarious self this year, but I had a lot to say with those who came close enough to listen. I saw a lot of true friendship during my times of need. And that was worth the cost. In addition, the small number of new friends I met were, indeed, true friends.
Seasons Behind & Ahead: Kobe closed last season as MVP, then the Lakers began anew as the best team on paper, then struggled, then handed the Celtics their ass in the year's greatest Christmas present. The Trojans won the 2008 Rose Bowl, then started the new season, recovering from Oregon State by winning 10 straight including a kick-ass showing in the 2009 Rose Bowl against Penn State.
Compelling: TV got good, real good. Big Bang Theory announced it's here to stay while Mother remained strong. Chuck vastly improved, I discovered House & Always Sunny, Life stayed amazing as always, True Blood premiered and Entourage was a force to be reckoned with.
Filmy: add these to best all-time -- Into The Wild (best I've ever seen), The Dark Knight, The Darjeeling Limited, Once. Iron Man and WallE were damn good, and others...
New Music: for discovering Fleet Foxes, that alone makes this year an incredible one in music. Honorable mention goes to Noah and the Whale. This year was also my first exposure to Nick Drake along with Sigur Ros and the most recent Shins album. Excellent, excellent stuff.
Learning, Changing, Growing, Thriving: fantastic year in family. The nieces & nephews somehow got older! New babies joined my "extended" family. And I became a godfather.
Resolutions
Reading -- I resolve to read at least 3 Dostoevsky pieces including Crime & Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov, 3 London pieces including White Fang and The Call of the Wild, and 3 Hemingway pieces. I resolve to always be in the middle of a modern piece of literature and a classic piece, in addition to reading for research.
Writing -- I resolve to submit at least 6 pieces of my work to literary magazines by June, no matter the genre. I resolve to finish the memoir of my latest health battle, and write at least a sentence of new material 4 days per week.
Cooking -- I resolve to take up cooking as a past time by planning one meal each month.
Music -- I resolve to tell everyone to listen to Fleet Foxes. I resolve to listen to more classical & jazz.
Personal -- In addition to some private personal resolutions, I resolve to be more open about telling people I love them.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Clarity Practice Balance
Words are very important to me. For many obvious reasons, both artistic and personal, I have always had an interest in being able to find and use the right words in a given situation. The artistic importance of this is pretty self-evident. As for the personal, well, that comes from a life of needing to express myself through words. Ironically, that is easier said than done. It is mostly intuitive. I don't read words of the day or look through the thesaurus. I am blessed with a great memory that allows me to simply pick up great words here and there. And I try not to force their use.
My meditation practices are also fairly commonplace: concentrating on breathing, counting, humming a simple sustained note, or just being mindful of my own thoughts. Another thing I like to do is to choose a word, close my eyes, and focus deeply on what that one, particular word means to me.
Lately, I've been meditating on clarity. There is an analogy I read about somewhere that says the mind is like a glass of water with sediment in it. When your thoughts get all mixed up and start flying around, it's like sediment getting dusted up and clouding the water in the glass. In order to think more effectively, you need to slow down and relax and basically stop thinking. Then, the sediment sinks to the bottom and the water in the glass becomes clear.
So my meditation has been to try and maintain careful focus on clarity, and only clarity. I mean this literally. For weeks, I would concentrate on attempting to keep my mind clear. Each time I sensed random thought creeping in, I would repeat (not verbally) the word "clarity" to myself until any other thought passed away. Eventually, one thought began to come back continually. It was a conversation I'd had with my aunt about the idea of practice. That is, both practicing some particular event in your mind before actually carrying it out, as well as the act of putting things into practice. My view of it is that each time we put something into practice, it is our chance to do it the right way in that moment and also to use it as an opportunity to practice & prepare for future moments.
I knew, then, that the meaning of clarity had something to do with practice. I needed to figure out what that was. Now, most of my meditation sessions involve using more than one technique. The mind ties them all together. After the "clarity" technique, I would always listen to my thoughts without trying to control them. Finally, one day the words "clarity, practice, balance" came to me, in that order. Eureka!
Balance has always been important to me. I'm an optimist by nature, but as I've gotten older I've tried to pair that with realism. Balance is where I find that. I believe it is very difficult for us to keep a clear focus when we fall to extremes. Whether it's gluttony or starvation, moving hard to either side of the emotional spectrum can cloud our judgment. If the water in the glass is knocked off balance, the sediment at the bottom will dust up as the water finds its own level.
Since this insight, my mantra has been these three words: Clarity Practice Balance. It tells me that a clear mind is found by practicing balance at each opportunity.
Clarity. Practice. Balance.
My meditation practices are also fairly commonplace: concentrating on breathing, counting, humming a simple sustained note, or just being mindful of my own thoughts. Another thing I like to do is to choose a word, close my eyes, and focus deeply on what that one, particular word means to me.
Lately, I've been meditating on clarity. There is an analogy I read about somewhere that says the mind is like a glass of water with sediment in it. When your thoughts get all mixed up and start flying around, it's like sediment getting dusted up and clouding the water in the glass. In order to think more effectively, you need to slow down and relax and basically stop thinking. Then, the sediment sinks to the bottom and the water in the glass becomes clear.
So my meditation has been to try and maintain careful focus on clarity, and only clarity. I mean this literally. For weeks, I would concentrate on attempting to keep my mind clear. Each time I sensed random thought creeping in, I would repeat (not verbally) the word "clarity" to myself until any other thought passed away. Eventually, one thought began to come back continually. It was a conversation I'd had with my aunt about the idea of practice. That is, both practicing some particular event in your mind before actually carrying it out, as well as the act of putting things into practice. My view of it is that each time we put something into practice, it is our chance to do it the right way in that moment and also to use it as an opportunity to practice & prepare for future moments.
I knew, then, that the meaning of clarity had something to do with practice. I needed to figure out what that was. Now, most of my meditation sessions involve using more than one technique. The mind ties them all together. After the "clarity" technique, I would always listen to my thoughts without trying to control them. Finally, one day the words "clarity, practice, balance" came to me, in that order. Eureka!
Balance has always been important to me. I'm an optimist by nature, but as I've gotten older I've tried to pair that with realism. Balance is where I find that. I believe it is very difficult for us to keep a clear focus when we fall to extremes. Whether it's gluttony or starvation, moving hard to either side of the emotional spectrum can cloud our judgment. If the water in the glass is knocked off balance, the sediment at the bottom will dust up as the water finds its own level.
Since this insight, my mantra has been these three words: Clarity Practice Balance. It tells me that a clear mind is found by practicing balance at each opportunity.
Clarity. Practice. Balance.
Friday, October 3, 2008
They Say There's Magic in the Air
The first entry I ever wrote on this blog had to do with my small, but memorable, role in contributing to the premiere of the musical, 13, in Los Angeles in January of 2007. Now, after a long and most likely arduous process of revising, rewriting, recasting, and retooling, the musical will make its Broadway debut on Sunday. If you'll be in NYC during its first run, go see it. If you need some new music, check out the cast album. This is a big weekend in my household, with a big Trojan home game and the Dodgers poised to make a run into the NLCS. And now thanks to my friend Jason, the success of 13 is right up there at the top of my list.
To all the cast and crew:
Break a leg!
To all the cast and crew:
Break a leg!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
My First Quarter-Century
Yesterday was my 25th birthday. I spent the weekend leading up to it first celebrating the birthdays of my mom and brother the week before and then thinking about what it meant for me to have lived 25 years. I thought about it both in context with just this past year and with all 25 together. You know, I consider myself to be pretty well-adjusted and I have a healthy self-esteem, but I also strive to be humble and I have a hard time just giving myself big-time compliments. That being said, however, I feel compelled to do just that this time.
I'm very proud of myself. I view reaching the age of 25 as a major achievement in my life. There is something significant about the age in general, but it means more for me. I had a chance to discuss it with my mom. She remarked lightly, "Who would've thunk it 25 years ago?" I thought about that a little more seriously, and responded, "How about 22 years ago?". Of course, this was a reference to the age of my diagnosis. And in 1986, the outlook in those informational pamphlets was grim for all boys by the age of 18.
Oh, I've had my chances to step out, as my friend would so eloquently say. When I call my most recent health challenge -- which ended in that most successful surgery -- a struggle, I really mean it. I was really weakened battling those wounds. I honestly believed I was at my bottom when I found out surgery was necessary, and there were a couple of weeks where I didn't feel like my body would be able to withstand that stress. But, I had to man up and do it, like it or not. This is the reason why I feel I have achieved so much in the last month. I found strength at my lowest point and willed my way through.
I read through the year in review I posted around the time of my last birthday, and there is definitely the sense of declining health for me as I read it. There are so many heavy topics for discussion in it. So much seriousness, so much pain. I was ready for it to be over then, but obviously there was much more fun in store. I'm glad for it, though, because now I feel stronger than ever. My breathing is good and getting better. I feel like I have work to do and the energy to get it done. My appetite is excellent, and always ready for more. I even feel my senses heightened.
For all these reasons and more, 25 is a big, big deal. And this year, I plan on bringing the focus back to regular, happy things. I'm going to work on my writing and continue to be published. I have to keep spoiling my nieces & nephews. I want to enjoy more of life's simple pleasures like good music or a nice bottle of red. Most importantly, I have a social life to renew. It is definitely grand to go from needing to find a surgeon & a way to get better to wanting to find a girlfriend & have a relationship. Enough seriousness. For now, I'll take the little things.
There's no time to lose!
I'm very proud of myself. I view reaching the age of 25 as a major achievement in my life. There is something significant about the age in general, but it means more for me. I had a chance to discuss it with my mom. She remarked lightly, "Who would've thunk it 25 years ago?" I thought about that a little more seriously, and responded, "How about 22 years ago?". Of course, this was a reference to the age of my diagnosis. And in 1986, the outlook in those informational pamphlets was grim for all boys by the age of 18.
Oh, I've had my chances to step out, as my friend would so eloquently say. When I call my most recent health challenge -- which ended in that most successful surgery -- a struggle, I really mean it. I was really weakened battling those wounds. I honestly believed I was at my bottom when I found out surgery was necessary, and there were a couple of weeks where I didn't feel like my body would be able to withstand that stress. But, I had to man up and do it, like it or not. This is the reason why I feel I have achieved so much in the last month. I found strength at my lowest point and willed my way through.
I read through the year in review I posted around the time of my last birthday, and there is definitely the sense of declining health for me as I read it. There are so many heavy topics for discussion in it. So much seriousness, so much pain. I was ready for it to be over then, but obviously there was much more fun in store. I'm glad for it, though, because now I feel stronger than ever. My breathing is good and getting better. I feel like I have work to do and the energy to get it done. My appetite is excellent, and always ready for more. I even feel my senses heightened.
For all these reasons and more, 25 is a big, big deal. And this year, I plan on bringing the focus back to regular, happy things. I'm going to work on my writing and continue to be published. I have to keep spoiling my nieces & nephews. I want to enjoy more of life's simple pleasures like good music or a nice bottle of red. Most importantly, I have a social life to renew. It is definitely grand to go from needing to find a surgeon & a way to get better to wanting to find a girlfriend & have a relationship. Enough seriousness. For now, I'll take the little things.
There's no time to lose!
Friday, September 12, 2008
What It Means to Be a Trojan
I just recently overcame a big obstacle in my life. After a nearly 2-year health struggle, I ended up facing the need to have surgery. Going into it, I had already used up my strength battling the struggles before. I had already done my best, and I felt like I gave everything I could possibly give. And then I needed to give a little more. I needed to grit my teeth once again and ready for a bigger and more important battle. I knew that my next test would be the only one that mattered. In order to win, I knew I had to be thankful for everything behind me, mindful of everything ahead, and completely focused on the task at hand. And I did that, I succeeded.
I succeeded because I willed myself to feel fresh & prepared for each wave upon wave of pain I went through. I saw all the threats and I knew what they meant, but I didn't turn my back on them, and I could have. No, I faced them. In my mind, it wasn't what I could do, it was what I must do. And all this occurred before I even thought about the difficult part: the surgery itself. Soon, I faced that. Fear, agony, confusion, frustration, anger... these were my opponents. I faced a choice. I could give in to them, forget about all the skills I had that could get me through, and simply hide in a fog of medication and defeat. Or... I could man up and trust all the things that got me to where I was. I could trust in my way of doing things, my faith, knowledge, skills, courage, and my ambition to be victorious. And that's just what I did, I faced it and I succeeded.
The funny thing was I was glad to be in that situation, in my element. Sure it was hard, and it physically did not feel good to go through, but at the same time I knew all the way through that it was where I belonged. It's how I decide who I really am, in the adversity. In those moments of challenge, that's where you see the real you. So I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the opportunity to do something great for myself, to say, "Hey, I'm doing the right things the right way and that's what makes me great."
That's what happens on Saturday for a whole team of Trojans, when USC takes on Ohio State. There comes a time when you realize that Trojan is not just some word or some mascot. It represents something. It means something. It means that you don't run away from the adversity. No, it's just the opposite. You seek it out. You seek the challenge. You put yourself in a position where you're under a threat from your opponent. You put yourself in a position where you can lose. Not only that, not only do you seek out your adversaries willingly, but you enjoy doing it! You are glad that your whole season, that everything you worked for and everything you're trying to achieve is all on the line.
This is a great thing. Why? No risk, no reward. What good is a victory you don't earn? What good is winning & success when it doesn't cost you your hard work, your body, your spirit? When you face your toughest tests, you want to walk away from them knowing, not feeling or thinking, but knowing that you gave every single thing you had. That you gave as much as the guy standing next to you. When you do that, there is no one that can be let down. And that is how you embody the Trojan. Darrell Rideaux once asked for everything from his teammates, telling them to go out and fight like men, fight like Trojans. And this is what you want to see.
Fight On, Trojans. Beat those Buckeyes.
I succeeded because I willed myself to feel fresh & prepared for each wave upon wave of pain I went through. I saw all the threats and I knew what they meant, but I didn't turn my back on them, and I could have. No, I faced them. In my mind, it wasn't what I could do, it was what I must do. And all this occurred before I even thought about the difficult part: the surgery itself. Soon, I faced that. Fear, agony, confusion, frustration, anger... these were my opponents. I faced a choice. I could give in to them, forget about all the skills I had that could get me through, and simply hide in a fog of medication and defeat. Or... I could man up and trust all the things that got me to where I was. I could trust in my way of doing things, my faith, knowledge, skills, courage, and my ambition to be victorious. And that's just what I did, I faced it and I succeeded.
The funny thing was I was glad to be in that situation, in my element. Sure it was hard, and it physically did not feel good to go through, but at the same time I knew all the way through that it was where I belonged. It's how I decide who I really am, in the adversity. In those moments of challenge, that's where you see the real you. So I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the opportunity to do something great for myself, to say, "Hey, I'm doing the right things the right way and that's what makes me great."
That's what happens on Saturday for a whole team of Trojans, when USC takes on Ohio State. There comes a time when you realize that Trojan is not just some word or some mascot. It represents something. It means something. It means that you don't run away from the adversity. No, it's just the opposite. You seek it out. You seek the challenge. You put yourself in a position where you're under a threat from your opponent. You put yourself in a position where you can lose. Not only that, not only do you seek out your adversaries willingly, but you enjoy doing it! You are glad that your whole season, that everything you worked for and everything you're trying to achieve is all on the line.
This is a great thing. Why? No risk, no reward. What good is a victory you don't earn? What good is winning & success when it doesn't cost you your hard work, your body, your spirit? When you face your toughest tests, you want to walk away from them knowing, not feeling or thinking, but knowing that you gave every single thing you had. That you gave as much as the guy standing next to you. When you do that, there is no one that can be let down. And that is how you embody the Trojan. Darrell Rideaux once asked for everything from his teammates, telling them to go out and fight like men, fight like Trojans. And this is what you want to see.
Fight On, Trojans. Beat those Buckeyes.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
The Wisdom is Knowing Where to Look
I once heard this wise woman speak. She was the type of person who could see things about people, things that others couldn't, or wouldn't see. She said, "If you want to find God don't look up, look around." The older I get, the more I realize how much this statement influences the role faith plays in my life. Personally, I believe anyone who can sit down and definitively say, "God is this," or "God is that," is either lying or crazy. I wouldn't ever presume to define totally who or what God is. I'm always careful to preface my feelings on this subject that it does come down to unprovable faith. My worldview works because it comes from my experience, and it's one that can't be totally understood unless someone else could somehow have exactly the same experience. One thing I do know is that the verb "to know" has no place in this discussion. However, that makes faith all the more meaningful. I do not know, and because of that, I believe.
I believe in this wise woman's statement. When we look around, we might see the signs: beauty & Art; nature, the ordered universe, and science; freedom, truth, and love. Most of all, we might see it in ourselves and in the other people around us. It is unfortunate that the easiest way comes in the void left when a loved one leaves us. When we mourn the absence of that person, we remind ourselves of all the things they brought to us. In the best of circumstances, they bring us together. Beyond the specific gifts and memories each person leaves behind, they all teach us to look to each other and see God in that most unclear place, within ourselves and within others.
But why is it unclear? We get caught up in daily life, which is only natural, and I believe we're not used to looking. I've always thought media perception is so contrived, and I find it most hollow when celebrities talk about giving all their glory to God and then they point up into the sky. Now I don't judge others' self-expression, and pointing to the sky is not a problem in and of itself, but what does it say when the appearance of faith is more important than the faith itself? Why does it matter that strangers know what you believe?
So, it takes a lot of practice to see spirit clearly in other people, in all people, especially in our day-to-day lives. In spite of that, I believe the faith it takes to keep that practice going leads to a realization that the most vivid experience of God is in humanity. It is simultaneously the experience most vulnerable to a loss of faith. People are capable of a full range of kind and terrible acts. The challenge of faith is easy to understand when you can see both love and hate in the same being. Equally challenging is the loss of a loved one. They can bring us together, but that is in the best of circumstances. Everyone grieves differently, and this kind of adversity can also drive people apart. This points to the importance of seeing God in ourselves.
What irritates me more than Celebrity Faith is faith dependent on the outcome of events, or as I call it: Results-Based Faith. It is my belief that if we can see God in ourselves and strive toward that ideal, then bad things can happen without harming us. My goal is being the best I can in this life, not setting a standard for myself that is unreachable.
I look around at the amazing things in this world, and I make damn sure I take pleasure in them completely.
I believe in this wise woman's statement. When we look around, we might see the signs: beauty & Art; nature, the ordered universe, and science; freedom, truth, and love. Most of all, we might see it in ourselves and in the other people around us. It is unfortunate that the easiest way comes in the void left when a loved one leaves us. When we mourn the absence of that person, we remind ourselves of all the things they brought to us. In the best of circumstances, they bring us together. Beyond the specific gifts and memories each person leaves behind, they all teach us to look to each other and see God in that most unclear place, within ourselves and within others.
But why is it unclear? We get caught up in daily life, which is only natural, and I believe we're not used to looking. I've always thought media perception is so contrived, and I find it most hollow when celebrities talk about giving all their glory to God and then they point up into the sky. Now I don't judge others' self-expression, and pointing to the sky is not a problem in and of itself, but what does it say when the appearance of faith is more important than the faith itself? Why does it matter that strangers know what you believe?
So, it takes a lot of practice to see spirit clearly in other people, in all people, especially in our day-to-day lives. In spite of that, I believe the faith it takes to keep that practice going leads to a realization that the most vivid experience of God is in humanity. It is simultaneously the experience most vulnerable to a loss of faith. People are capable of a full range of kind and terrible acts. The challenge of faith is easy to understand when you can see both love and hate in the same being. Equally challenging is the loss of a loved one. They can bring us together, but that is in the best of circumstances. Everyone grieves differently, and this kind of adversity can also drive people apart. This points to the importance of seeing God in ourselves.
What irritates me more than Celebrity Faith is faith dependent on the outcome of events, or as I call it: Results-Based Faith. It is my belief that if we can see God in ourselves and strive toward that ideal, then bad things can happen without harming us. My goal is being the best I can in this life, not setting a standard for myself that is unreachable.
I look around at the amazing things in this world, and I make damn sure I take pleasure in them completely.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Unbound
I've been dealing with some health issues for much of the last two years. Recently, there was a complication that will require correction by surgery. The outpouring of support for me has been tremendous, as usual. But by no means do I take it for granted as, again, I feel extremely fortunate and blessed. Just this past week alone has given me much to reflect on with regard to friendship.
I spent this past Tuesday evening with two old but extremely close friends I hadn't seen in a long time. They are lovers who have been together forever, it seems like. He works in asset management up in Pasadena, and She is a receptionist at a local silk screening place. All we did was have pizza & beer together and then watch a little TV, and yet so much more took place. As I've written before, sharing a meal (being at table) with loved ones is a sacred thing, no matter how informal. I'm an emotional guy, and I already know that I will grow more emotional when I near my surgery date, which will then be the time to exchange affection & loving words. What I needed that Tuesday night was simply to talk and to relax, something easy to do when laughter is the favorite past time of this couple & I.
Wednesday and Thursday of last week took me way back, all the way to memories of the elementary school days. On Wednesday, two friends (who are both brothers of the guy I went to school with) and their mom, as well as another young lady & friend to us all, stopped by to talk and reminisce. The guys and I looked forward, discussing things like musical inspiration, college majors, and life philosophy. They reminded me of me: bright and positive, looking at the good. It was a boost I needed at exactly that time. "Smile, we are alive," one great friend said.
Thursday was another trip in the Wayback Machine, as I saw another beautiful friend who also went to grade school with me. She and I had not seen each other in five years, by my count. When she arrived, my mom attended to the door telling me that some gorgeous woman was approaching. My mom was certainly right, yet at the same time the beauty I refer to came from finding myself on the same wavelength with this other wonderful person. And, quite truthfully, the two of us had not really had a meaningful conversation since the end of grade school. Remarkable. We spoke of many things: freedom and goals and expressing love and overcoming adversity. Surprise, surprise, more philosophy with me.
The next few days saw visits from my godfather and aunt, a married couple I knew from my SC years, and my brother, sister-in-law, niece & nephew. They were all similarly simple and yet meaningful. My aunt and godfather have always made me feel so comfortable with my own maturity, which has come from my individual life experience. Without fail, my godfather finds the time to get my take on things, adult to adult. I always find myself up late talking and talking with that particular married couple from college, and I always love it. They're so at home with me. That brings me comfort. At last, I closed the weekend gathered with my niece & nephew and their parents and grandparents, singing Irish folk songs together.
When I think about friendship and friends, I make a significant distinction between those things and acquaintances. My friends are people I deeply love. One major aspect of friendship that strikes me is the form of love it takes. Friendship is unbound love.
Love between friends comes with no built-in barrier. People may place limits, but only by choice. To me, this is the greatest advantage the love of friendship has. Individuals unrelated by blood can become family through it, and this has happened many times over for me. I have a few sisters, and many brothers, thanks to my realization regarding unbound love. When appropriate, younger & older generations can become equals through friendship. I believe one form of this is children aging and then beginning to assume caretaker roles for their parents. Lastly, this definition of friendship can allow friends refraining from any sort of limit to become lovers. Especially strong romantic love is born out of the unbound love of friendship.
These are just some of my inspirations on friendship from this past week.
I spent this past Tuesday evening with two old but extremely close friends I hadn't seen in a long time. They are lovers who have been together forever, it seems like. He works in asset management up in Pasadena, and She is a receptionist at a local silk screening place. All we did was have pizza & beer together and then watch a little TV, and yet so much more took place. As I've written before, sharing a meal (being at table) with loved ones is a sacred thing, no matter how informal. I'm an emotional guy, and I already know that I will grow more emotional when I near my surgery date, which will then be the time to exchange affection & loving words. What I needed that Tuesday night was simply to talk and to relax, something easy to do when laughter is the favorite past time of this couple & I.
Wednesday and Thursday of last week took me way back, all the way to memories of the elementary school days. On Wednesday, two friends (who are both brothers of the guy I went to school with) and their mom, as well as another young lady & friend to us all, stopped by to talk and reminisce. The guys and I looked forward, discussing things like musical inspiration, college majors, and life philosophy. They reminded me of me: bright and positive, looking at the good. It was a boost I needed at exactly that time. "Smile, we are alive," one great friend said.
Thursday was another trip in the Wayback Machine, as I saw another beautiful friend who also went to grade school with me. She and I had not seen each other in five years, by my count. When she arrived, my mom attended to the door telling me that some gorgeous woman was approaching. My mom was certainly right, yet at the same time the beauty I refer to came from finding myself on the same wavelength with this other wonderful person. And, quite truthfully, the two of us had not really had a meaningful conversation since the end of grade school. Remarkable. We spoke of many things: freedom and goals and expressing love and overcoming adversity. Surprise, surprise, more philosophy with me.
The next few days saw visits from my godfather and aunt, a married couple I knew from my SC years, and my brother, sister-in-law, niece & nephew. They were all similarly simple and yet meaningful. My aunt and godfather have always made me feel so comfortable with my own maturity, which has come from my individual life experience. Without fail, my godfather finds the time to get my take on things, adult to adult. I always find myself up late talking and talking with that particular married couple from college, and I always love it. They're so at home with me. That brings me comfort. At last, I closed the weekend gathered with my niece & nephew and their parents and grandparents, singing Irish folk songs together.
When I think about friendship and friends, I make a significant distinction between those things and acquaintances. My friends are people I deeply love. One major aspect of friendship that strikes me is the form of love it takes. Friendship is unbound love.
Love between friends comes with no built-in barrier. People may place limits, but only by choice. To me, this is the greatest advantage the love of friendship has. Individuals unrelated by blood can become family through it, and this has happened many times over for me. I have a few sisters, and many brothers, thanks to my realization regarding unbound love. When appropriate, younger & older generations can become equals through friendship. I believe one form of this is children aging and then beginning to assume caretaker roles for their parents. Lastly, this definition of friendship can allow friends refraining from any sort of limit to become lovers. Especially strong romantic love is born out of the unbound love of friendship.
These are just some of my inspirations on friendship from this past week.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Super Tiger
In the past six months, Tiger Woods officially played in seven golf tournaments. He won five of them, including his second-place finish at the Masters in April and his 14th Major Championship win at the U.S. Open this past weekend. As remarkable as this is, there's something amiss. What's the problem? The problem is that Tiger Woods tore his ACL. Last July.
Following this year's Masters, Tiger had arthroscopic surgery to clean up some cartilage that was damaged as a result of playing golf on a torn knee. Two weeks before the Open, he suffered a double stress fracture in the tibia on the same leg. The doctor said treatment involved six weeks without golf. Tiger said, "I'm playing in the U.S. Open, and I'm going to win." That is precisely what he did.
That highlight video is the best I can find, and it gives you a sense of the exceptional nature of Tiger's play. However, the incredible putts and chips, the gargantuan tee shots, those are only the products of Woods' greatness. The biggest highlight isn't conducive to a three-minute clip. The biggest highlight is how this gladiator, this warrior, this man gritted his teeth and endured 91 holes of USGA torture. That's right... four rounds, an 18-hole playoff, and one sudden-death hole on one leg without a word about what was wrong. Now, that is a grinder.
I'm not much for celebrity, and I know how much perception can be manipulated, so I'll never know for sure. But in my opinion, the source of Woods' greatness is in his mind and, dare I say, in his spirit. Mental toughness, strength, even courage, it is not an exaggeration to find these things in someone like Tiger. And all that we see on TV is only a tenth of the exhausting work, the effort, and the heart that he puts in. Despite the money, despite the fame, that's integrity, because no one will ever know the soul put into the work.
Add to the above the practice of repetition, of repeatedly doing the right things to get you to where you want to go, as well as the presence at the end of the day to be a husband and be a father and you will get a recipe for all the things I learned by watching a golf tournament last weekend. With tomorrow being the one-year anniversary of my launching this blog, I hope to incorporate into my writing over the next year the things I learned from Tiger which are also things others have long told me.
And maybe Elin Woods' twin sister is available, too...
Following this year's Masters, Tiger had arthroscopic surgery to clean up some cartilage that was damaged as a result of playing golf on a torn knee. Two weeks before the Open, he suffered a double stress fracture in the tibia on the same leg. The doctor said treatment involved six weeks without golf. Tiger said, "I'm playing in the U.S. Open, and I'm going to win." That is precisely what he did.
That highlight video is the best I can find, and it gives you a sense of the exceptional nature of Tiger's play. However, the incredible putts and chips, the gargantuan tee shots, those are only the products of Woods' greatness. The biggest highlight isn't conducive to a three-minute clip. The biggest highlight is how this gladiator, this warrior, this man gritted his teeth and endured 91 holes of USGA torture. That's right... four rounds, an 18-hole playoff, and one sudden-death hole on one leg without a word about what was wrong. Now, that is a grinder.
I'm not much for celebrity, and I know how much perception can be manipulated, so I'll never know for sure. But in my opinion, the source of Woods' greatness is in his mind and, dare I say, in his spirit. Mental toughness, strength, even courage, it is not an exaggeration to find these things in someone like Tiger. And all that we see on TV is only a tenth of the exhausting work, the effort, and the heart that he puts in. Despite the money, despite the fame, that's integrity, because no one will ever know the soul put into the work.
Add to the above the practice of repetition, of repeatedly doing the right things to get you to where you want to go, as well as the presence at the end of the day to be a husband and be a father and you will get a recipe for all the things I learned by watching a golf tournament last weekend. With tomorrow being the one-year anniversary of my launching this blog, I hope to incorporate into my writing over the next year the things I learned from Tiger which are also things others have long told me.
And maybe Elin Woods' twin sister is available, too...
Monday, June 9, 2008
To live and die in LA
A friend of mine is taking a class on Los Angeles culture. He asked me to participate in a survey for one of his research papers, and upon reading the questions, I thought my answers would make a great blog entry. Here they are:
1. Use one word to describe Los Angeles and explain why you chose that particular word.
Freedom. Both literally and figuratively, Los Angeles is a sprawling, wide-open place. Your experience here is mostly up to you, you get what you put in. This is both good and bad. There is no handholding or safety net in Los Angeles, and that quality is definitely not for everyone. However, for people who are self-starters, the freedom in LA is great because you are responsible for the risks you take but at the same time, you earn the rewards, and these are considerable when you get to be the one determining them.
2. What do you see as some of the most positive aspects of Los Angeles?
The weather is great year-round. Being on the coast, the ocean is literally a short drive away. It is a great sports town, as far as the teams are concerned. There is a ton of variety as far as having things to do. For any type of person, there are innumerable places to go and activities to participate in on any given day.
3. What do you see as some of the most negative aspects of Los Angeles?
The traffic is the single worst part of Los Angeles. It does factor into almost every decision with regard to going and doing things in LA because of the time impact. Public transportation is mediocre at best, and very poorly designed. The sports fans, in general, are not as great as the teams. They are too fair-weather, only showing support when the teams are winning championships. Less superficially, both the actual danger and the perception of danger in urban areas are significant negatives.
4. Do you feel a sense of community in Los Angeles? If so, what unites the people? If not, what are the sources of division?
There is a definite sense of community in Los Angeles. Part of it comes from the variety of the people. In many places, variety drives people apart, but in Los Angeles the people seem to have molded their own, new culture out of a combination of all the background traditions of each person living here. The people of Los Angeles are most united by the fact that they know you have to live here and appreciate this place in order to understand it.
5. If someone you knew was moving to Los Angeles, what advice would you give him/her?
The first thing I would tell her is to buy a reliable, high gas mileage automobile. Never underestimate the importance of that. Also, on a more philosophical level, I would tell her to try and keep her mind as free and open as I believe Los Angeles is. Don't try to pin the place down or quickly define it without spending a good amount of time here. The whole Hollywood thing is overblown, and a lot of people new to the area make the mistake of thinking Hollywood is all there is.
6. How do you see Los Angeles in 50 years? What are your hopes for L.A.? What are your fears?
50 years is a really long time... by that time, Los Angeles could be the capital of Mexico, Canada, or China for that matter. I'm not sure where I see myself in 50 years. In the future, I see downtown becoming more of a social destination especially as it is beginning to be cleaned up. I see many of the urban areas, that have been given up on, returning to neighborhoods and communities again. My fear for LA is that the common culture that all of the people here have created gets eroded by political correctness. I'm afraid of the possibility of the city losing its openness if the people turn away from what unites them. My hope for LA is that all of the great things about this city only get stronger, and the people are able to fix the weaknesses. I hope that Los Angeles installs a new, efficient public transportation system that is well-designed, perhaps a monorail, so that the one big negative is eliminated once and for all.
1. Use one word to describe Los Angeles and explain why you chose that particular word.
Freedom. Both literally and figuratively, Los Angeles is a sprawling, wide-open place. Your experience here is mostly up to you, you get what you put in. This is both good and bad. There is no handholding or safety net in Los Angeles, and that quality is definitely not for everyone. However, for people who are self-starters, the freedom in LA is great because you are responsible for the risks you take but at the same time, you earn the rewards, and these are considerable when you get to be the one determining them.
2. What do you see as some of the most positive aspects of Los Angeles?
The weather is great year-round. Being on the coast, the ocean is literally a short drive away. It is a great sports town, as far as the teams are concerned. There is a ton of variety as far as having things to do. For any type of person, there are innumerable places to go and activities to participate in on any given day.
3. What do you see as some of the most negative aspects of Los Angeles?
The traffic is the single worst part of Los Angeles. It does factor into almost every decision with regard to going and doing things in LA because of the time impact. Public transportation is mediocre at best, and very poorly designed. The sports fans, in general, are not as great as the teams. They are too fair-weather, only showing support when the teams are winning championships. Less superficially, both the actual danger and the perception of danger in urban areas are significant negatives.
4. Do you feel a sense of community in Los Angeles? If so, what unites the people? If not, what are the sources of division?
There is a definite sense of community in Los Angeles. Part of it comes from the variety of the people. In many places, variety drives people apart, but in Los Angeles the people seem to have molded their own, new culture out of a combination of all the background traditions of each person living here. The people of Los Angeles are most united by the fact that they know you have to live here and appreciate this place in order to understand it.
5. If someone you knew was moving to Los Angeles, what advice would you give him/her?
The first thing I would tell her is to buy a reliable, high gas mileage automobile. Never underestimate the importance of that. Also, on a more philosophical level, I would tell her to try and keep her mind as free and open as I believe Los Angeles is. Don't try to pin the place down or quickly define it without spending a good amount of time here. The whole Hollywood thing is overblown, and a lot of people new to the area make the mistake of thinking Hollywood is all there is.
6. How do you see Los Angeles in 50 years? What are your hopes for L.A.? What are your fears?
50 years is a really long time... by that time, Los Angeles could be the capital of Mexico, Canada, or China for that matter. I'm not sure where I see myself in 50 years. In the future, I see downtown becoming more of a social destination especially as it is beginning to be cleaned up. I see many of the urban areas, that have been given up on, returning to neighborhoods and communities again. My fear for LA is that the common culture that all of the people here have created gets eroded by political correctness. I'm afraid of the possibility of the city losing its openness if the people turn away from what unites them. My hope for LA is that all of the great things about this city only get stronger, and the people are able to fix the weaknesses. I hope that Los Angeles installs a new, efficient public transportation system that is well-designed, perhaps a monorail, so that the one big negative is eliminated once and for all.
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