Maasai Warriors

Since April, I've been corresponding with a man named Ezekiel Noah Moirana. He is my age, about three years older. He is from Tanzania. We were put in touch by my doctor, Kimberly Shriner. She specializes in infectious diseases and is the one responsible for keeping me bug free over two years of wound care. I would not be healed today without her. In 1996, Dr. Shriner founded the Phil Simon Clinic, a premier nonprofit, multidisciplinary HIV/AIDS facility & organization operating out of Huntington Memorial Hospital in Pasadena. In addition to the incredibly comprehensive service the clinic provides to the San Gabriel Valley, there is also the Tanzania Project. This is a small, but effective, community-based approach to bringing the same kind of service to East Africa, where it is desperately needed. Each year, the Phil Simon group tends to Tanzania with the care, attention, and skilled medical background that the group possesses.

Kimberly and Ezekiel met, somewhat fortuitously, several years ago. She and all the Tanzania Project people were so impressed with him, with what he's all about, that the Phil Simon Clinic took on another goal: to help Ezekiel earn his medical degree. It's not an exaggeration to say that Ezekiel is an amazing person. His goal is to help make things better for his country, and he says that the best way for him to do that is through medicine, and I could not agree more. He told me that the ratio of doctors to patients in his country is 1 to 26,000. So, he feels an enormous duty to set an example and show other people that love and a desire to help others should be our priority. He is a warm, gentle, and yet strong person. I recall how he touched my arm with both hands when he said hello. He has a way of embracing each person strongly in a greeting without smothering. That is his way in all things. He talked to me about treating people with an affliction like HIV or even some kind of addiction. He pointed out that these persons are not just bodies filled with symptoms, and that we are, all of us, not any better or worse than these persons. Don't treat them with anger or contempt, or pity. Look them in the eye, and interact with them, person to person. The Phil Simon Clinic donors funded Ezekiel's education in medicine. I believe that he is now one year away from his residency.

He and I communicated through e-mail for about six months. Although our words were sometimes confused, we spoke the same language. This past October, Ezekiel came to the states for a month with another doctor, Dr. Palapala, to gain invaluable experience learning and working at the Huntington. It was near the end of this time that we were able to finally meet and visit. We had a nice, long conversation in the afternoon on October 26. It was a very special time, and that is when he gave me a very special gift. Ezekiel is a member of the Maasai, a tribe whose name is not usually recognized in America but its distinctive bright red clothing is. Ezekiel is also a morani, or warrior. He presented me with a morani shuka, a sheet used for clothing. He made me a Maasai Warrior, telling everyone that, "Jonathan is a warrior." Later, he came back on Halloween to see me one last time before he returned home to his wife Jessica, his daughter Nancy, and his newborn son Collin. He said that he would not say goodbye, only "see you later," and that he would be back next year.

I'm really still processing everything that happened in Ezekiel's visits. He's not much of a small talker as it is, even though we spent some time on American football. These were quite momentous visits, the kind where you give each other the Cliff's Notes of your lives. Ezekiel and I are certainly very similar, so we were able to easily talk about things like the ways of the world, the meaning of life, how you should best perceive society, and how you could impact it. Ezekiel is the kind of guy where, when he looks you in the eye and says something, you believe absolutely that he is telling the truth and that he will accomplish what he sets out to do. He could tell you he was going to swan dive Niagara Falls and you'd be at the shoreline with a towel for him. So, when he talked about his goal to help his fellow Tanzanians, especially by turning the tide against HIV, I had no doubt. When he said he hoped to one day talk to Hashim Thabeet, the 7'3" NBA rookie from Tanzania, about donating money to the cause, I believed unequivocally that he would follow that up and get to Thabeet on sheer will alone if he had to.

Ezekiel taught me some extremely important things. He taught me that kindred spirits are real. He taught me that a soulmate does not have to be tied to a romantic connection. That two men, from most different backgrounds & circumstances, living on near opposite sides of the world, with no blood relation and never having met before in person, can be brothers. Think about that. I mean it. Brothers. That's remarkable. For me, that realization changed some of my perceptions and strengthened some others. He taught me about love. Here, we are so used to trying to redirect those overwhelming feelings of love & desires to share our hearts from the relationships that do not involve sex or romance to the ones that do.

For Ezekiel, he is so much more open and giving and free with his love to all. I'm certain that he loves his wife Jessica dearly and I'm certain that they have an incredible bond. But Ezekiel doesn't let that stop him from also sharing his heart with others. He also listens to his heart, with surprising clarity considering how intelligent he is. My experience with brilliant people is that they are sometimes up in their own heads too much. It only took a couple of minutes in my house for Ezekiel to feel in his heart that my parents are special people and that we have a happy home. So, Ezekiel has taught me to trust my instincts more. He taught me about hope. Because he has so much wisdom, when he says to always have hope, no matter what, that's something you take to heart.

Ezekiel seems so full of his emotions and his life and yet simultaneously not at all controlled or dominated by his emotions or his own concern for his life. He has a fullness to him without any trace of excess. No hurry, no stress. No pressure. In speech or deed. Everything he did was slow and calm and measured. It seems like he wants to genuinely do everything with the utmost honesty & concentration. He would tell a story and maintain eye contact the whole way, but I never felt like he was staring at me. He would say a phrase or sentence and then pause and let it sink in, without the silence being uncomfortable or without him making a noise like, "um," to fill it in. Then, he would continue. It took me a few times to figure this out and not feel like he was waiting for me to break in. He just has such a deliberate way about him, and again, without being boring or something like that.

What I haven't been able to figure out is how someone like Ezekiel can get as much done, and actually more so, while also having that calm & mellow demeanor and way of going through life. Honestly, they must have 30 hour days in Tanzania. I don't know why, but the phrase I keep coming back to for describing him and his people is to say that the Maasai are people of the earth. Ezekiel was born in a mud hut in Arusha, one of the most-used base towns for African safaris. I think there is something to that, that closeness with the natural world. Obviously, there are things that need to change in Tanzania. There are ways of ours that the Tanzanians need. However, it gives me pause to think about the external factors Ezekiel faced growing up, as well as my own. Although I know that Ezekiel & I both feel like we're simply living the way were supposed to live, I can take a step back and see that we are probably special people. So, it gives me pause to think about changing anything that helps to shape people like that. There's something to be said about struggling through adversity and living "closer to the ground."

He talked about what I have called: maximizing the experience, which is learning from every situation, every experience. He said that he thought you could find the good in every person and learn from it, and accept that we all have the bad but you don't have to put the emphasis on it. Continuing with the natural world thing, he also talked about learning from the animals. One of his goals, I believe, is to learn from everything and put it into practice. He wants to help people and get others to help as well, but he doesn't think you can tell people to do these things. He is all about learning & acting, and being the example. If people change themselves and become a part of the solution, great, if not, then we will just keep on going.

Another thing that Ezekiel showed me was what it is to interact with another person and gain knowledge in doing so. He talked about how, when I meet you, I am now connected to you so that your special qualities are now mine and my special qualities are now yours. So, too, are your problems mine and my problems yours. In this way, we strengthen each other. Perhaps something that makes you special can help me with my problem, and vice versa. As Ezekiel pointed out, he is a doctor and I need medical care, while I am a writer and he needs someone who believes what he believes and can conceptualize it more succinctly. It is simply a matter of connecting with each person and finding how we each strengthen each other. Here again, Ezekiel teaches me a way to reconcile individualism with communalism, just as he can maintain eye contact without staring or be my kindred spirit without it feeling weird. That is one large reason why he is remarkable. He is not about division. He is about union.

Ezekiel is the closest thing to being Heaven sent that I've ever experienced. And I know that that's putting a lot on him, but I also know that he has a similar feeling about me. He told me that, at first, he thought maybe I was told what to write to him in my e-mails because my beliefs & feelings were so close to the beliefs he has and the way he sees the world. I went back and read a couple and realized that most of the things I expressed to him, I came to feel strongly about well before I had even met Dr. Shriner, let alone heard of Ezekiel. It is interesting to me that my name means "gift of God," while his name means "God strengthens." I am not someone who reads into coincidence or leaves his faith up to the happenings of events & institutions, but there is such a synergy in everything to do with Ezekiel that I can't deny that it's a real God-strengthening experience for me. Without any notion that I'm forgoing reason or logic, there's true happiness there, a feeling that it's right.

A Year in Review

Best & Worst of 2008

Worst --

The Surgery: I went through yet another "worst ordeal of my life" and in consecutive years! I'll explain later how much the support I did receive during this time meant to me. However, the vulnerability I went through and continue to feel could only be addressed in certain ways that haven't been possible for me lately.

No Work: even on my blog, the writing was sporadic this year. In my journal, I was more productive early, then came the surgery, then came a self-imposed sabbatical until the new year. No paid work for obvious reasons.

Lonesome Dove: a tough one socially speaking... no lady friends, saw my other friends here and there, not much opportunity to blow off steam.

Sucky Sports: the Lakers lost the finals to Boston, of all teams. USC lost to Oregon State, AGAIN!

WGA MIA: the writers’ strike killed the momentum of many a good TV show. Heroes struck out with me; 24 got postponed after a very down year; BSG's final chapters got pushed back.

RIP 'Roi: DMB saxophonist LeRoi Moore passed after a health crisis and amidst one of the band's best tours of all time. In music, Jack Johnson produced his first shit show of an album.

Best --

The Surgery: even though my time in the hospital was extraordinarily difficult, it ended up being the best thing for my overall health & state of being in years. I reached the final stages of healing that I will finish up in the new year and begin the return trip to a normal life once again.

Percolation: results were slim, but the benefit of a tough, adverse year has been a mind fertile with ideas. I gathered my list of literary magazines, my poetry improved, and my body-mind is in a great position to write up a storm in the months ahead.

Social Caterpillar: I couldn't be my gregarious self this year, but I had a lot to say with those who came close enough to listen. I saw a lot of true friendship during my times of need. And that was worth the cost. In addition, the small number of new friends I met were, indeed, true friends.

Seasons Behind & Ahead: Kobe closed last season as MVP, then the Lakers began anew as the best team on paper, then struggled, then handed the Celtics their ass in the year's greatest Christmas present. The Trojans won the 2008 Rose Bowl, then started the new season, recovering from Oregon State by winning 10 straight including a kick-ass showing in the 2009 Rose Bowl against Penn State.

Compelling: TV got good, real good. Big Bang Theory announced it's here to stay while Mother remained strong. Chuck vastly improved, I discovered House & Always Sunny, Life stayed amazing as always, True Blood premiered and Entourage was a force to be reckoned with.

Filmy: add these to best all-time -- Into The Wild (best I've ever seen), The Dark Knight, The Darjeeling Limited, Once. Iron Man and WallE were damn good, and others...

New Music: for discovering Fleet Foxes, that alone makes this year an incredible one in music. Honorable mention goes to Noah and the Whale. This year was also my first exposure to Nick Drake along with Sigur Ros and the most recent Shins album. Excellent, excellent stuff.

Learning, Changing, Growing, Thriving: fantastic year in family. The nieces & nephews somehow got older! New babies joined my "extended" family. And I became a godfather.

Resolutions

Reading -- I resolve to read at least 3 Dostoevsky pieces including Crime & Punishment and The Brothers Karamazov, 3 London pieces including White Fang and The Call of the Wild, and 3 Hemingway pieces. I resolve to always be in the middle of a modern piece of literature and a classic piece, in addition to reading for research.

Writing -- I resolve to submit at least 6 pieces of my work to literary magazines by June, no matter the genre. I resolve to finish the memoir of my latest health battle, and write at least a sentence of new material 4 days per week.

Cooking -- I resolve to take up cooking as a past time by planning one meal each month.

Music -- I resolve to tell everyone to listen to Fleet Foxes. I resolve to listen to more classical & jazz.

Personal -- In addition to some private personal resolutions, I resolve to be more open about telling people I love them.

They Say There's Magic in the Air

The first entry I ever wrote on this blog had to do with my small, but memorable, role in contributing to the premiere of the musical, 13, in Los Angeles in January of 2007. Now, after a long and most likely arduous process of revising, rewriting, recasting, and retooling, the musical will make its Broadway debut on Sunday. If you'll be in NYC during its first run, go see it. If you need some new music, check out the cast album. This is a big weekend in my household, with a big Trojan home game and the Dodgers poised to make a run into the NLCS. And now thanks to my friend Jason, the success of 13 is right up there at the top of my list.

To all the cast and crew:

Break a leg!

My First Quarter-Century

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. I spent the weekend leading up to it first celebrating the birthdays of my mom and brother the week before and then thinking about what it meant for me to have lived 25 years. I thought about it both in context with just this past year and with all 25 together. You know, I consider myself to be pretty well-adjusted and I have a healthy self-esteem, but I also strive to be humble and I have a hard time just giving myself big-time compliments. That being said, however, I feel compelled to do just that this time.

I'm very proud of myself. I view reaching the age of 25 as a major achievement in my life. There is something significant about the age in general, but it means more for me. I had a chance to discuss it with my mom. She remarked lightly, "Who would've thunk it 25 years ago?" I thought about that a little more seriously, and responded, "How about 22 years ago?". Of course, this was a reference to the age of my diagnosis. And in 1986, the outlook in those informational pamphlets was grim for all boys by the age of 18.

Oh, I've had my chances to step out, as my friend would so eloquently say. When I call my most recent health challenge -- which ended in that most successful surgery -- a struggle, I really mean it. I was really weakened battling those wounds. I honestly believed I was at my bottom when I found out surgery was necessary, and there were a couple of weeks where I didn't feel like my body would be able to withstand that stress. But, I had to man up and do it, like it or not. This is the reason why I feel I have achieved so much in the last month. I found strength at my lowest point and willed my way through.

I read through the year in review I posted around the time of my last birthday, and there is definitely the sense of declining health for me as I read it. There are so many heavy topics for discussion in it. So much seriousness, so much pain. I was ready for it to be over then, but obviously there was much more fun in store. I'm glad for it, though, because now I feel stronger than ever. My breathing is good and getting better. I feel like I have work to do and the energy to get it done. My appetite is excellent, and always ready for more. I even feel my senses heightened.

For all these reasons and more, 25 is a big, big deal. And this year, I plan on bringing the focus back to regular, happy things. I'm going to work on my writing and continue to be published. I have to keep spoiling my nieces & nephews. I want to enjoy more of life's simple pleasures like good music or a nice bottle of red. Most importantly, I have a social life to renew. It is definitely grand to go from needing to find a surgeon & a way to get better to wanting to find a girlfriend & have a relationship. Enough seriousness. For now, I'll take the little things.

There's no time to lose!

Update

Hello again! It has been a long time. Summer is coming, Memorial Day weekend is over, and the Lakers meet the defending champion Spurs in San Antonio tonight for Game 4 of the NBA's Western Conference Finals. My life has been busy as of late, also. As some may know, I've been dealing with some health issues for the past year or so. Recently, there were some minor complications that took my focus away from my work. The good news is that I have decided the key to healing is to carry on with my life undeterred, so I have begun to do that.

Admittedly, there has been some added stress at first and while I find adversity inspires my creative side, that only comes after I digest events. The well of ideas tends to dry up during the moment of stress itself. However, my droughts are usually followed by floods, and so I have kept myself immersed in the arts, as I love to do: reading the second installment of Neal Stephenson's Baroque Cycle, watching things like the film Molière and series LOST, and listening to music from The Shins and Damien Rice. I'm looking forward to the time, hopefully inevitable, in which I continue creating my own art.

I have made one change to the blog which you can see in the right hand column. I just recently began using Twitter. It's pretty amazing, and interestingly, it's a technological advance designed to simplify communication. Anyway, you can find me on the web site under "jtmurphy” or simply check this blog from time to time as the Twitter Updates are synced live. Since it has been such a long time, I'm posting a special treat... the rough draft opening of my latest project. The working title is: Body & Soul. Enjoy!


Guillo sits in his apartment, looking through the tree outside of his huge picture window into the sky. In his eyes, he looks far away from his setting, but he snaps back into focus in an instant. He then picks up his paintbrush, selects the appropriate shade of blue from his acrylics, and continues filling in the sky above his jungle scene. Guillo's canvas is situated in front of that south facing window and next to the east wall. On the canvas is the scene, where green dominates. Sky filters in at the top only, then the green begins very lightly and then progressively becomes darker and denser all the way to the jungle floor. Trees and leaves and all manner of plants fill the background, everything green. The yellowed circle of leaves in the foreground's center, then, draws the eye to the action of the piece. A black panther is out in the open, looking forward to a place not pictured. Viewing the painting, she would be staring off to the left. On her back is a curious creature, a bright blue parrot with a large beak. He faces the opposite direction looking behind her, checking out the path they came from, although that is also not pictured. The painting is almost finished, but the details that are left are the most important.

Quickly, Guillo finishes up his sky and stares blankly at the un-detailed parts of his animals and jungle. His face squeezes in a perplexed moment, and he puts down his paintbrush. Then, he draws in a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and looks up. This is his favorite corner of the large studio apartment his parents bought for him three years ago. Although, to call it a studio is a gross understatement as the space is more like an open dance hall. The southeast corner is where Guillo works. Each one of his paintings, now highly acclaimed, was done right here.

Don't Tread On Me

Some words in support of John Adams, the highly acclaimed HBO miniseries (my previous HBO recommendation, John from Cincinnati, didn't fare as well). The series is fantastic, presented with an epic scope and a real eye toward authenticity. The camera work features unique shots that only occasionally distract from the scene. Often times, they are integral in establishing the mood of a particular episode. The music is unbelievable. The scale of it completely swept me away from the opening sequence onward. Hearing it, I truly felt as if I was in the midst of a time that surely must have felt revolutionary in all respects.

The show is most certainly stolen by actress Laura Linney, who portrays Abigail Adams. Of course, it is the actor's job to mimic or approximate the accent, speech patterns, and mannerisms of its subject. Linney's mastery is in putting it all together and never faltering. This is apparent from the first scene including Mrs. Adams. Sure, people will talk about her opposition to slavery (and my history is not good enough to know if this is the truth or a politically correct anachronism). Critics will applaud the behind-the-scenes power wielded by a woman with such grace and responsibility.

The most important & remarkable aspect of her character, however, is how she would not let Mr. Adams allow his vanity and know-it-all nature overtake his duty to his country. She called him on his crap, and Mr. Adams wouldn't have it any other way. Paul Giamatti, as John Adams himself, gives the second-best performance. That is by no means an insult, only a testament to the talent of his on-screen love. Giamatti presents a fantastically real founding father, decaying teeth and all. He is vain, outspoken, rude, intelligent, a pessimist, loyal, brave, jealous, easily angered, a man with tremendous integrity, hard-working, and a patriot who loves his country. One thing the story is not, no one whitewashes the history of John Adams. This is a watercolor.

As executive producer, Tom Hanks gave us another winner. I recommend this series to anyone, but most especially to those who enjoyed Band of Brothers. This is not an indication of the content of the show, but rather the undoubtedly exhaustive efforts to bring us as close as possible to realism. The two series are also similar in theme. While the World War II epic is more specifically direct, both dramas are about exceptional individuals sacrificing for the good of their country.

I found it remarkable that John Adams made it so easy to think about the human face on this revolution. Today, we think of many of the people and institutions involved almost as unchanging & divine entities. The Sons of Liberty & Samuel Adams banging the drums, Thomas Jefferson's complete commitment to developing on the philosophical theory of liberty, General Washington's humility, the framing of the Constitution, and the document itself; none of these things were certain to the people of the time including Adams who, as the show asserts, was very concerned with the manner in which posterity would receive them. It's amazing to envision a world where these things did not exist and then came into being.

That's just exactly what the makers of John Adams accomplished.

2008

The New Year will start with a bit of fun for me, but then it will get really difficult. My new beginning will be an emotional one. I'm calling the 4th as the anniversary of my lung collapse. I first felt the chest pain on that day. That is followed by the one-year mark of the opening of "13" and I'm still very proud of that. Then, I'll have the capper. I will be a whole year removed from the collapse diagnosis on the 8th and the reinflation procedure on the 9th. It's going to be a vulnerable time for me, although I have no qualms about admitting that. The fear of something like that happening again is still alive in me. Even in my most positive frame of mind, I anticipate reliving those feelings once again.

As 2007 comes to a close, I feel like I am positioned for a great year coming up despite the year I had. My health has turned a corner and I feel like I have at least found the road to recovery on the map. When I deal with a health issue, all I need is to be comfortable with the treatment and plan of attack. I feel very confident as soon as I have that. That has been true of my current concerns as well. The good news as of now is that not only do I have good mental confidence, but I also have physical confidence based on how my body is responding.

Creatively, it has been some time since I have been this inspired to write. I have about five solid ideas running concurrently in my head day in and day out. Ideas, of course, are wonderful. But this isn't an IBM advert, and I won't get paid to ideate. I might get paid to write. Now, it's a simple matter of discipline, research, and continued health improvement. I've got Joseph Campbell and his Power of Myth. I've got three world-class doctors and a couple of excellent nurses. The discipline is up to me. Uh Oh.

I actually do participate in the time-honored tradition of making New Year's resolutions. Usually, I also participate in the time-honored tradition of breaking New Year's resolutions. I'm going to try something new this year. I'm going to maintain my past resolutions, but define them more specifically so they can actually be, you know, accomplished. I want to always be in the middle of a book, but this year I resolve to read for at least one hour each week. I'm going to write every day, but this year I'll do this by planning the time to write at least two sentences per day. I need to make quicker, more lasting decisions and that will be achieved by making at least one choice each day based purely on instinct. I have other, more private, resolutions I have made and I hope to accomplish them in the same way.

Enjoy celebrating on New Year's Eve. It doesn't usually live up to expectations, but we can still have fun nonetheless, right? Take a couple aspirin when you get up the next day and watch the Rose Parade. I've always kept a special place in my heart for the Tournament. And I can't wait for the last Trojan win of the season in the Rose Bowl.

Happy New Year!

Update

Things are looking up. My health has been coming along, and I continue to grow in my confidence in the healing process. It seems that all the measures I've taken are doing a job. And, I'm quite sure that I've gotten enough inspiration for my writing from the medical world for the time being, although apparently it's the medical world's decision as to when it will stop inspiring me.

The most personal thing I'll tell you is also the best news of this blog entry. I now have 11 days without doctors! I'm hoping to really treat this like a vacation. Obviously, I plan to live it up like my plane is going down.

The USC Trojans almost had to do that as well. They had a bumpy start to the big weekend. I'm really excited for this year's installment of one of the very best rivalries in all of sports. Experts always say you can throw out the records when USC and Notre Dame compete against each other. I think that's true, so I'm excited for a great game.

If you've been following the college football season, you'll know that the Trojans have had some trouble as of late. I'm hoping that the importance of this week will get them firing on all cylinders and that they come out firing. The only thing I will predict is a big game from Joe "Cool" McKnight.

Until next time... Fight On! Beat the Irish!

Snow in South Pasadena

"Grams, this is so cool," he said, at least five times. I was able to get up and spend some time with my nephew and niece the other day. We invited my sister-in-law to bring them over because there was a commercial being shot, no doubt, for the Christmas season. It was snowing, in a way, in South Pasadena. My four-year-old nephew was in heaven.

There were trucks galore, all kinds of equipment, and it was really cool for him to see the two houses dressed up for Christmas. There were two or three cherry pickers that he really spent a lot of time watching, although when he first heard about coming over, he was worried because we had no cherry trees. His eyes lit up when we pointed out that the driver was all the way up in the basket, moving his vehicle down the street. Soon my nephew saw how the production used the cherry pickers as they took up cameras for various shots and air hoses to help spray out the snow. "Uncle Jon," he said, "this is awesome."

I think back to what a magical time it was for me when I was four. When I watch my nephew, I'm amazed by how much a boy at that age understands, and I know it was probably the same for me. It was the age I asked my godfather if he "remembered when we were fishermen" and I do not doubt his assessment of my consciousness, if you will. A four-year-old knows many things, and in some ways, appreciates more things than older people do. More things are special and cool and awesome. There is still magic. One thing that is true, especially for this nephew, is that they know when they are given responsibility and they treat it responsibly.

At eight years old, I actually played in a commercial. It was nothing like the one we watched together the other day, though. We gathered on the porch, my niece and nephew, their mother, their grandparents, and even their uncle. We ate while the production was set up, and while my nephew ran around and observed like the foreman of a construction site. Of course, my niece behaved and ate like a prim and proper young lady, or maybe it was because she's still young enough for the high chair and had no escape. My nephew was more of a challenge, but I gave him his props once he got a whole helping of applesauce down. And at last, the biggest treat, the biggest desert besides the candy corn, he got to walk down the street and stand by the directors. I hope he gave his seal of approval. He certainly gave it to us.

"Grams, this is so cool."

My Year in Review (Part Two)

Note: I move into my next year Sunday, when I turn 24. Here are my thoughts as one year impacts the next.

As I begin to look forward, it is important for me to internalize those lessons I've learned over the past year. I'm not sure there's really any sort of process which will allow me to do that, but I think a simple awareness that those lessons are important is all that is necessary.

Some of the lessons a person might take from my friend Chuck's death are age-old lessons, and ones that I am already intimately familiar with. The fragility of life, appreciating each day, time being so fleeting, trying not to waste life on the negatives, those are things that I already know, but it never hurts to have them reconfirmed. Or better yet, it always hurts and that's why they need to be reconfirmed.

The other lessons are most certainly not cookie-cutter optimism, but they are real, and true optimism for me is about taking a realistic fact of life and applying it to myself in a positive way. Death doesn't wait for someone even if they are important, or young, or have things to do. That doesn't make loss any easier. Dealing with it, in fact or in potential, is a constant struggle. But it tells me that it's not worth individual stress. It's out of my control, and if I can let go of that, I think about all the other things in life that I can let go. There is positivity in the finality of death. It brings many realizations. The hard part is keeping those realizations vivid in mind when everyday life begins to take its toll. If I can do that, maybe I won't be scared to tell this person how I feel or maybe I won't find reasons not to do this thing I want to do. That's a liberating feeling.

I will take my lessons into the next year. I expect to continue prioritizing my quality of life and continue doing things the way that is right for me. Knowing now that it's not so simple as just supporting or not supporting myself emotionally, I can trust others with my burdens. I can trust that my strength is, in fact, a source of love. Continuing on, I'll use that source of love in the depth I feel it for others. My meaning of life is simple: to love, to be loved, and to do what I love.

Being able to step back from a situation and observe it from many sides has always been a skill of mine. I also feel I have a talent for self-analysis, and as I grow older, I find I can do more than just spot my weaknesses or areas I need to improve. At this point in my life, I find myself able to see my strengths and not only that, but I can be confident in those talents. I know I can write. When I combine that with my other abilities, the path through which I should take my writing becomes clear. After some conversations and some deep thinking, I have learned how to make this blog part of an active writing project. I'm certainly excited to begin writing my story, which is what I'll be doing now and then.

My new year begins Sunday. I plan to officially end my education at USC by writing a letter to the administration that did so much for me, and to the people I owe a great deal of appreciation. I plan to appreciate, and enjoy and love, all the loved ones that fill up my life. And I plan to begin writing the stories that have made me who I am.

My Year in Review (Part One)

Note: my 24th year is drawing to a close and will end on my 24th birthday, Sunday. I've decided to take a look back today in Part One.

There's no way around it: it has been a long, hard year for me. Like I've always said, I'm a positive guy, but even I have to admit that I faced a lot of negatives. You might say it was a rebuilding year, if I may use a sports analogy. The negatives will follow me into the next year in many ways, but I still foresee the significant shift that hopefully comes with each new year. First, however, I take stock.

I lost my dear friend, Chuck, about a month after my last birthday. He was my long-time orthopedic doctor who did my spinal fusion, recommended me to USC, and was really a stalwart ally. He "got" my sense of humor and used it in each of the many times I had to go see him to assess my condition. To this day, I still sometimes feel like it's vulgar to use him for some sort of lesson, but then I think that we are always learning and the best teachers are those people we meet who become our friends. I think about my spinal fusion surgery. One of the things I wrote after Chuck died was that if you had to have a scar like the one I did, you would be lucky to have one this beautiful. I said it in a mostly facetious manner, but if I had to take away a lesson it would be what I wrote, and I have Chuck to thank for that.

Some months later, thankfully after the USC Trojans demolished Michigan in the Rose Bowl, my right lung collapsed. The pain of the reinflation procedure was quite literally the worst in my life. There is no other way I can put it than to say, I felt messed up after that. I'm used to feeling vulnerable as there is a continual process of accepting certain realities. But the fear of that happening again, of that pain and that vulnerability, will be with me for a long time. I did a lot of growing up that day, as I think about it. I didn't have anyone there to comfort me during the procedure, but in this case I was glad. It's difficult to explain beyond that.

The hospital stay that followed was difficult. However, it reconfirmed in me the belief that the way I go about my life and the way I approach things is right for me. I wouldn't have gotten through that without my m.o., and the fact that it has worked and continues to do so says a lot to me. While I got through the hospital stay, the hospital stay, unfortunately, got through me. I had a nice little souvenir called a wound care situation with which I was left. This one is testing my endurance, but I have much precedent in the way of battles won, therefore I take comfort in the fact that I will soon turn a corner.

There were many worrisome events, but what I found in direct proportion to that stress & tension was the depth of love from my loved ones. Mentally and emotionally, I have always been a self-starter and more so, a self supporter. I was probably so effective at that because I didn't have that ability physically. This was a year, however, where I needed my loved ones. I really really needed support from the outside-in. I received that support, many times over. My family took on many burdens and made sure I was well taken care of. My nieces and nephews came over to play and watch movies. The visits from my friends were numerous and heartfelt. Some friends helped me find entertainment. Another showed me that my strength was a source of love. I noticed, as well, that my love for others deepened and in many cases, did so in a way that many people will not know or understand.

This year marked the end of my education at USC. While I was sad to say goodbye to the yearly life force I found there, to many of the people I met, and to the wonderful educators, it also marked the beginning of my foray into professional writing. I was so fortunate to work with Jason and feel so indebted to the people involved (all of them). Especially considering the fact that I finished the project before any health concerns began, of course it was right under the wire, I feel very lucky. Soon after that, I began this very weblog which has very effectively kept me connected to my writing.

"John from Cincinnati", cancelled?

Some words in support of the HBO series, "John from Cincinnati". This is/was another fine work from David Milch, of "Deadwood" and "NYPD Blue" fame. I have become a huge fan of his and highly recommend anything he does. Watching one of his shows is like entering a literary world. Indeed, he was an English professor at Yale for a time.

Weird, hard-to-follow, confusing, brilliant, heartwarming, common, yet epic; these are just a few of the ways I would describe the show. With almost any other creator, one would begin to doubt the worthiness, and perhaps the coherence, of a story like this. With David Milch at the helm, it is easy to trust in the story. You can analyze the characters and read in to every line. David Milch has a plan.

In the first, and very likely only, season of the show, we observe the events that occur upon the arrival of John Monad, a mysterious but benevolent being, over 10 days in Imperial Beach, California. He has a tremendously positive, for the most part, effect on the Yost Family. The family consists of three generations of extraordinary surfers. The patriarch Mitch and his son Butchie were both pros until taken out of the sport by a knee injury and a heroin addiction, respectively, Shaun is Butchie's teenage son but he was raised by his grandparents. He just might be the best surfer in the family. Then there are Cissy and Kai, who watch over the Yost men. John influences these characters and many more including the notable Bill Jacks, who is portrayed superbly by Ed O'Neill.

The cancellation of the series may prove to be one of the worst decisions HBO has made in recent times. In the coming weeks, the movement to save John Monad and his show will need your help. There are already petitions and other organized online events coming together. Be on the lookout for an intriguing web site or two. Let's give David Milch the time he needs to produce another high-quality piece. Let's make that miracle!

The Dark Part of Darkness

In the upcoming and future entries, I will be expanding on the feelings of the characters I describe. Recently, I have found that I'm focusing primarily on states of being in which I have invested so much of myself in living in the real world. While that's good for me as a person, I feel it's important to delve deeper as a writer. I'm going to begin exploring the darker parts of my characters. There has to be a reason to look to the good. I think there is always some force that causes us to hope, almost as a reactionary behavior. If these characters don't need strength and courage, optimism and hope, they won't have it. So, I will be focused on giving them those reasons. Some stories may not have rays of hope initially. I will also be exploring some characters that are not sympathetic and may even be villainous.

After all, what good is a protagonist without an antagonist? This update is simply fair warning. I'm not the type of person who spends too much time on despair or anger. I mostly choose reasons to be happy over reasons to be sad. Like I've said many times, however, the harmony needs the dissonance. Don't worry when you see those entries. It's still just little old me. But I think they will be important and I look forward to getting to work on those.

I realized also, that with the introduction of my Song Series posts and all the links I provided, I did not provide any way to actually hear "The Stone". Thanks to YouTube, I can. This version clocks in at about 7 minutes. Enjoy:

Sol Sistere

On the longest day of the year, the sky stops to honor the official launch of my weblog! It is the summer solstice for us Northern Hemisphere types. Today, the Earth tilts on its axis toward the Sun for us more than any other time during the year. The Sun stands still in declination, which is its movement north or south, at the actual solstice. According to Coordinated Universal Time, this will happen at 6:06 p.m.

The Solstice provides much food for thought in my eyes. The light of day is something I truly look forward to. I do some of my best thinking at night before I fall asleep. That next day is the time for me to put those thoughts into action. Whether that involves fixing or enjoying some aspect of my relationships with other people or whether it is some idea that can be worked into my writing, the light of day tells me it's time to go to work. Fortunately for me, I believe in doing work that makes me happy in some way.

That light also breaks the darkness of night. It is something obvious that has gone on for millions of years, but it bears repeating. I take great solace in the idea that no matter what happens after sunset, no matter the struggles of harsh or dark times, there is always a sunrise on the other end of it. Light and dark balance each other, but they also complement. The emptiness provides a fallow place and time for my mind to renew. Without this dark time, no idea could germinate and become fertile in the daytime sun. And that is part of the way I work.

There aren't too many holidays that have been sparked by the first day of summer. One interesting event is the 2007 World Solastic Art Project. This is an India-based website aiming to showcase photos of the world's sunrises and sunsets throughout June 21. Check it out.

Thanks for joining me on this day. Please read some or all of the entries. At the bottom of the page, you can also subscribe to the posts via RSS feed if that is your preference. Leave me a comment and tell me what you think. I hope you enjoy my blog. Come on back!

13

"Wow. I don't even know where to begin, but 'wow' seems like a good start. I'm still trying to absorb everything I experienced on 13's opening day."

I wrote these words just a day after "13" opened at the Mark Taper Forum. I had been unable, quite honestly, to wrap my head around writing as a professional and being published up until the moment I saw the piece in print in the program for the show. In that same vein, the events of January 7 still seem surreal. It was literally insane how well I was treated. There's a desire to be self-deprecating and talk about how undeserved the treatment was, but these people at Center Theatre Group bent over backwards for me and they deserve all the credit.

My parents and I got to our seats early, so we had plenty of time to peruse the program. Speaking of the people at CTG, I was absolutely dumbfounded by the placement of my piece. It can be found directly under notes written by Jason Robert Brown, composer of "13" and my editor, and by Todd Graff, director of "13". My essay follows their words and comes directly before all of the info on the cast and crew. Who could ask for anything more?

The essay is available on the Web at: http://www.centertheatregroup.org/uploadedFiles/Plays_and_Tickets/Productions/2006/13/files/13%20Program%20FINAL(1).pdf