Unbound

I've been dealing with some health issues for much of the last two years. Recently, there was a complication that will require correction by surgery. The outpouring of support for me has been tremendous, as usual. But by no means do I take it for granted as, again, I feel extremely fortunate and blessed. Just this past week alone has given me much to reflect on with regard to friendship.

I spent this past Tuesday evening with two old but extremely close friends I hadn't seen in a long time. They are lovers who have been together forever, it seems like. He works in asset management up in Pasadena, and She is a receptionist at a local silk screening place. All we did was have pizza & beer together and then watch a little TV, and yet so much more took place. As I've written before, sharing a meal (being at table) with loved ones is a sacred thing, no matter how informal. I'm an emotional guy, and I already know that I will grow more emotional when I near my surgery date, which will then be the time to exchange affection & loving words. What I needed that Tuesday night was simply to talk and to relax, something easy to do when laughter is the favorite past time of this couple & I.

Wednesday and Thursday of last week took me way back, all the way to memories of the elementary school days. On Wednesday, two friends (who are both brothers of the guy I went to school with) and their mom, as well as another young lady & friend to us all, stopped by to talk and reminisce. The guys and I looked forward, discussing things like musical inspiration, college majors, and life philosophy. They reminded me of me: bright and positive, looking at the good. It was a boost I needed at exactly that time. "Smile, we are alive," one great friend said.

Thursday was another trip in the Wayback Machine, as I saw another beautiful friend who also went to grade school with me. She and I had not seen each other in five years, by my count. When she arrived, my mom attended to the door telling me that some gorgeous woman was approaching. My mom was certainly right, yet at the same time the beauty I refer to came from finding myself on the same wavelength with this other wonderful person. And, quite truthfully, the two of us had not really had a meaningful conversation since the end of grade school. Remarkable. We spoke of many things: freedom and goals and expressing love and overcoming adversity. Surprise, surprise, more philosophy with me.

The next few days saw visits from my godfather and aunt, a married couple I knew from my SC years, and my brother, sister-in-law, niece & nephew. They were all similarly simple and yet meaningful. My aunt and godfather have always made me feel so comfortable with my own maturity, which has come from my individual life experience. Without fail, my godfather finds the time to get my take on things, adult to adult. I always find myself up late talking and talking with that particular married couple from college, and I always love it. They're so at home with me. That brings me comfort. At last, I closed the weekend gathered with my niece & nephew and their parents and grandparents, singing Irish folk songs together.

When I think about friendship and friends, I make a significant distinction between those things and acquaintances. My friends are people I deeply love. One major aspect of friendship that strikes me is the form of love it takes. Friendship is unbound love.

Love between friends comes with no built-in barrier. People may place limits, but only by choice. To me, this is the greatest advantage the love of friendship has. Individuals unrelated by blood can become family through it, and this has happened many times over for me. I have a few sisters, and many brothers, thanks to my realization regarding unbound love. When appropriate, younger & older generations can become equals through friendship. I believe one form of this is children aging and then beginning to assume caretaker roles for their parents. Lastly, this definition of friendship can allow friends refraining from any sort of limit to become lovers. Especially strong romantic love is born out of the unbound love of friendship.

These are just some of my inspirations on friendship from this past week.

Let's get together and feel all right

I write often about pain & suffering, brokenness, and dealing with adversity. They are major facts of life that fit into this amazing universe of ours. They provide a lot of artistic inspiration and that's obvious if you consider how popular drama has been for centuries. However, there's something to be said for feeling good.

Physical and emotional happiness and pleasure are nice. They feel good. In particular, they make enduring through adverse situations worth it. Happiness and pleasure actually would not feel as good without those adverse situations. Philosophically speaking, neither side can exist without the other. Knowing that fact helps me to get through my suffering and it allows me to appreciate those moments, experiences, and people that give me pleasure and make me happy.

There are many things that make me feel the happiest, that give me the most pleasure. Certain foods -- like DoubleDouble's, Tommy chili burgers, and Pie & Burger burgers, or chocolate milkshakes from Carrows -- are like a slice of heaven. I also appreciate the experience of a cold Sam Adams, a tasty hors d'oeuvres, and a Trojan victory in sports.

Because of my interests in art and philosophy, I'm really into aesthetics. Beyond a simple male biological level, I truly appreciate the feminine form, and I enjoy seeing it in a beautiful woman or in a piece of abstract art that possesses those qualities: symmetry, proportion, smooth transitions, and an emphasis on the curve over the angle.

What I enjoy the most is spending time with the people I love. Family is very important in my life and, for sure, I truly treasure my nieces and nephews, who are all under the age of 5. It is a real treat to see the excitement in their eyes and listen to them talk and hear their ideas. It is amazing to see a zeal that is completely innocent (well, almost completely). I love every chance I get to talk with them, and watch movies, and play. Watching children grow and learn as each minute passes makes me very happy.

I'm also lucky enough to have several friends that I love as well. My close friends from high school and college are now my brothers. It's hardly ever stated, but the chance to get together and reminisce is one we always enjoy. Another pleasure I get is from other special friends and the opportunity to spend time alone with them.

Those are just a few of the things that give me pleasure. As nice as each individual one may be, the best is combining them, so that I can watch sports with my family, or spend time with a beautiful woman, or share food & drink with my closest friends. All of these are experiences that make me feel good.

I believe that they show the role happiness plays in spirituality. My focus is usually on being the bigger person and doing the right thing instead of doing the thing that is good for me. I agree with that, of course. However, it's also important never to forget that it's both right and good for me to be happy. My soul needs me to feel good. It's sort of like a spiritual vacation, and those are never bad. I've always thought that a pleasurable experience gives my spirit a chance to recharge before the next crisis.

I hope that everyone gets a chance during the holiday season to sit back and enjoy the pleasure of it, allow themselves to be happy, even for a moment. Even better, let's get together and feel all right. Vacation is there for a reason. Let us be with our loved ones and recharge for the coming year. May you all feel good now and throughout this next year.

From my tradition to yours... Merry Christmas!

The Greatest Gift

"The capacity to give one's attention to a sufferer is a very rare and difficult thing; it is almost a miracle, it is a miracle." -- Simone Weil

The greatest gift is a miracle. It's an expression of some part of yourself that you give to someone else. The thing you give to that person is very nearly beside the point. It's just the means by which the transfer of you to the other person takes place. By you, I mean your essence, a piece of your spirit.

In reality, the materials we give to each other can get in the way. As much as we like our stuff, and we do, believe me, I have stuff and I like stuff, using stuff as a gift only works when it complements our purpose, rather than deflecting it. What does genuine gift-giving try to accomplish? Well, I want the person on the receiving end of my gift to know how I feel about them. In some way, large or small, I want to grow together with that person.

I want to create an understanding. I want to strengthen our connection.

Sometimes, however, a material gift does get in our way, deflecting us from our purpose. Because of that, I feel that no material gift, regardless of how pure or thoughtful or amazing it is, can be considered the greatest. The greatest gift cuts out the middleman. Rather than a simple expression, the greatest thing you can give is yourself.

Giving yourself means giving your attention to someone. In the context of the greatest gift, attention means something beyond its common meaning. It usually is social contact, chitchatting, and simple interaction. This kind of attention can be given easily and can easily be insincere. Giving your true attention to someone is much more complex than that. It is important to really devote yourself to that person in your experience of them. It is not easy. It takes spiritual energy to be attentive to the spiritual needs of someone else.

Listen.

Be with the other person. That's what it's really all about. The greatest gift between two people is a coming together.

The greatest gift in appearance would be quite commonplace: a dad playing football with his son, a teacher tutoring her student after hours, a priest counseling one of the troubled faithful, a doctor & nurse treating a patient, best friends reminiscing, two lovers in bed. These are all basic examples with matter-of-fact explanations. They don't have to be instances of the greatest gift. Parenting, teaching, ministry, medicine, friendship, and sex can just be what they are. Then again, that's only looking at the appearance, and the greatest gift is all about essence. The identity of a thing is derived from its essence.

Care (again, remember the truer definition of the term) is crucial in determining when a miracle of interpersonal exchange is happening. That decides the intentions of the gift-giver. Anything can be done physically, denying the spiritual element in whole or in part. The greatest gift is given with full integrity because only the two people involved can decide to believe that it is sincere, and only the giver can know for sure if it is.

We are all sufferers. That is part of being human. When you give yourself, when you give genuine, true attention to someone who is suffering, that is a miracle. Devotion, listening, and truly being with someone... those things create a spiritual connection. And that allows the father to show his love to his son feeling too much stress. This kind of giving lets the teacher spend some quality time with her student who might feel lost. It gives the priest a chance to really guide someone in crisis. Devoted medical professionals finally get to care for the person as a whole. Best friends can really listen to each other and see where they are in their lives. And, being together allows two lovers to find acceptance in a physical act of love.

These are the greatest gifts. These are miracles.

My Year in Review (Part Two)

Note: I move into my next year Sunday, when I turn 24. Here are my thoughts as one year impacts the next.

As I begin to look forward, it is important for me to internalize those lessons I've learned over the past year. I'm not sure there's really any sort of process which will allow me to do that, but I think a simple awareness that those lessons are important is all that is necessary.

Some of the lessons a person might take from my friend Chuck's death are age-old lessons, and ones that I am already intimately familiar with. The fragility of life, appreciating each day, time being so fleeting, trying not to waste life on the negatives, those are things that I already know, but it never hurts to have them reconfirmed. Or better yet, it always hurts and that's why they need to be reconfirmed.

The other lessons are most certainly not cookie-cutter optimism, but they are real, and true optimism for me is about taking a realistic fact of life and applying it to myself in a positive way. Death doesn't wait for someone even if they are important, or young, or have things to do. That doesn't make loss any easier. Dealing with it, in fact or in potential, is a constant struggle. But it tells me that it's not worth individual stress. It's out of my control, and if I can let go of that, I think about all the other things in life that I can let go. There is positivity in the finality of death. It brings many realizations. The hard part is keeping those realizations vivid in mind when everyday life begins to take its toll. If I can do that, maybe I won't be scared to tell this person how I feel or maybe I won't find reasons not to do this thing I want to do. That's a liberating feeling.

I will take my lessons into the next year. I expect to continue prioritizing my quality of life and continue doing things the way that is right for me. Knowing now that it's not so simple as just supporting or not supporting myself emotionally, I can trust others with my burdens. I can trust that my strength is, in fact, a source of love. Continuing on, I'll use that source of love in the depth I feel it for others. My meaning of life is simple: to love, to be loved, and to do what I love.

Being able to step back from a situation and observe it from many sides has always been a skill of mine. I also feel I have a talent for self-analysis, and as I grow older, I find I can do more than just spot my weaknesses or areas I need to improve. At this point in my life, I find myself able to see my strengths and not only that, but I can be confident in those talents. I know I can write. When I combine that with my other abilities, the path through which I should take my writing becomes clear. After some conversations and some deep thinking, I have learned how to make this blog part of an active writing project. I'm certainly excited to begin writing my story, which is what I'll be doing now and then.

My new year begins Sunday. I plan to officially end my education at USC by writing a letter to the administration that did so much for me, and to the people I owe a great deal of appreciation. I plan to appreciate, and enjoy and love, all the loved ones that fill up my life. And I plan to begin writing the stories that have made me who I am.

My Year in Review (Part One)

Note: my 24th year is drawing to a close and will end on my 24th birthday, Sunday. I've decided to take a look back today in Part One.

There's no way around it: it has been a long, hard year for me. Like I've always said, I'm a positive guy, but even I have to admit that I faced a lot of negatives. You might say it was a rebuilding year, if I may use a sports analogy. The negatives will follow me into the next year in many ways, but I still foresee the significant shift that hopefully comes with each new year. First, however, I take stock.

I lost my dear friend, Chuck, about a month after my last birthday. He was my long-time orthopedic doctor who did my spinal fusion, recommended me to USC, and was really a stalwart ally. He "got" my sense of humor and used it in each of the many times I had to go see him to assess my condition. To this day, I still sometimes feel like it's vulgar to use him for some sort of lesson, but then I think that we are always learning and the best teachers are those people we meet who become our friends. I think about my spinal fusion surgery. One of the things I wrote after Chuck died was that if you had to have a scar like the one I did, you would be lucky to have one this beautiful. I said it in a mostly facetious manner, but if I had to take away a lesson it would be what I wrote, and I have Chuck to thank for that.

Some months later, thankfully after the USC Trojans demolished Michigan in the Rose Bowl, my right lung collapsed. The pain of the reinflation procedure was quite literally the worst in my life. There is no other way I can put it than to say, I felt messed up after that. I'm used to feeling vulnerable as there is a continual process of accepting certain realities. But the fear of that happening again, of that pain and that vulnerability, will be with me for a long time. I did a lot of growing up that day, as I think about it. I didn't have anyone there to comfort me during the procedure, but in this case I was glad. It's difficult to explain beyond that.

The hospital stay that followed was difficult. However, it reconfirmed in me the belief that the way I go about my life and the way I approach things is right for me. I wouldn't have gotten through that without my m.o., and the fact that it has worked and continues to do so says a lot to me. While I got through the hospital stay, the hospital stay, unfortunately, got through me. I had a nice little souvenir called a wound care situation with which I was left. This one is testing my endurance, but I have much precedent in the way of battles won, therefore I take comfort in the fact that I will soon turn a corner.

There were many worrisome events, but what I found in direct proportion to that stress & tension was the depth of love from my loved ones. Mentally and emotionally, I have always been a self-starter and more so, a self supporter. I was probably so effective at that because I didn't have that ability physically. This was a year, however, where I needed my loved ones. I really really needed support from the outside-in. I received that support, many times over. My family took on many burdens and made sure I was well taken care of. My nieces and nephews came over to play and watch movies. The visits from my friends were numerous and heartfelt. Some friends helped me find entertainment. Another showed me that my strength was a source of love. I noticed, as well, that my love for others deepened and in many cases, did so in a way that many people will not know or understand.

This year marked the end of my education at USC. While I was sad to say goodbye to the yearly life force I found there, to many of the people I met, and to the wonderful educators, it also marked the beginning of my foray into professional writing. I was so fortunate to work with Jason and feel so indebted to the people involved (all of them). Especially considering the fact that I finished the project before any health concerns began, of course it was right under the wire, I feel very lucky. Soon after that, I began this very weblog which has very effectively kept me connected to my writing.

Broken

Update for Thursday, September 6, 2007: I'm very pleased with how this entry turned out, so I've decided to leave it up for today as well. Until next week... hope you enjoy.

All people feel broken at certain points during their lives. To not feel broken is to lie to oneself or to live a terribly safe, sterile existence. I believe being broken is one of the fundamental aspects of life. On its face, it is not something I take comfort in, but I've grown to respect the fact that it should be acknowledged and accepted. Again, this realization doesn't make anything easier. Quite frankly, it is just one of the sucky things you learn about growing up. However, if each one of us did not break in some way, there would be many things in our lives we would not need and thus many things we would not have.

There are many ways to be broken. People make poor decisions or have lapses in judgment or possess character flaws, and those in turn affect reputation. Many live under strained financial situations or find themselves jobless, which hurts stable finances. Others suffer in health. Mentally or physically, they could have lifelong issues from birth or freak accidents or late developing diseases. Even more people see relationships with loved ones end or change. Tons of people face some or all of the issues I've mentioned, others face only one, and some face other issues I didn't list. For other people, the simple knowledge of living the aforementioned safe, sterile existence is what breaks them.

In all these situations, a piece or all of a person is broken. Time assures us that they will never be the same. And often, they cannot be fixed, in whole or in part. What do we do with these broken pieces? In a way, the broken pieces add up to a life. As a group, we respond to this suffering, this brokenness, in two ways.

The oft quoted teaching that suffering brings about compassion is true, in my experience. One way we respond to being broken is through communal means. The compassion from a person's surrounding community can be crucial in their response. This includes friends, family, organizations, churches, charities, and schools. If I may be naïvely optimistic for a moment, we as a society even have compassion-based careers. Nurses & doctors, teachers, and even holy men are just a few examples. All of these communal support systems originate from one group: our loved ones. That is precisely what the communal response to suffering does. It allows us, more fully, to love and be loved.

There is another type of response to brokenness, and that is through personal means. You can pick your own "struggle-through-adversity" cliché. They all apply. You learn a lot about yourself when you stare down that barrel. All the mentoring in the world can only provide you with the tools for character building, actual character can only be made by you. Your personal response to your own suffering is the best means to that end. Again, brokenness provides a vehicle. In the case of the personal response, it allows us to see who we are and to build ourselves into what we want to be.

Although the broken pieces often cannot be fixed, we can still heal. There will be scars and baggage left along the way, but ultimately one of the main things life is about is the cycle of brokenness, response, and healing. It is a struggle with many twists and turns, and no positive guarantees, but it has to be. It certainly is not always the way we want, but the personal and communal responses help us heal and some way, somehow, we move on.

This healing can hopefully help our situations. If a relationship ends, perhaps healing helps us to understand why. If it changes, healing allows us to grow and find a new role and accept that. For those with health concerns, maybe healing is reflected in an improvement of the condition. Maybe it isn't, and instead we find a way to make peace with it. As far as character goes, healing gives us a direct path to making ourselves better. None of these processes is easy. All of it involves the awareness that parts of growing up suck. However, I know I wouldn't have any of the things I have without my personal response to brokenness and the support of the people who love me & the people I love.

It's a wonderfully awful, amazing, dangerous, down-and-dirty, beautiful, exciting, suffering-riddled, shitty, character-building, pleasure-filled, painful, lovely life!


Editor's note: sorry for another posting delay. Please send any questions, comments, or suggestions to Southern California Edison.

Song Series: "The Stone" by Dave Matthews Band

Today, I introduce a new feature to the blog. I will use the Song Series to give brief interpretations of some of my favorite songs. Today's edition is from the Dave Matthews Band album: Before These Crowded Streets. Here are my impressions of "The Stone".

The song is divided into two basic tones. The rhythm of the music gives an idea of the back-and-forth between them. The dissonance tells us that they are at odds. The verses represent to me the nagging tug of reality. Indeed, there are lines like "I will go a long way from that fool's mistake/And forever pay, no run, I will run and I'll be okay" and "I will go a long way to bury the past for I don't want to pay/Oh how I wish, this, to turn back the clock and do over again". Our lives are full of mistakes and they probably wouldn't be worth living if we didn't make a few. Some are more serious than others, so we face that inner conflict of knowing we deserve the consequences but also trying to find a way out. I'm sure every person has had a situation they wish they could run from or start over.

In fact, that is an inescapable quality of this world. Perfect in its imperfection. I really believe in that. The truth of it is, in my eyes, one of the main ways we are defined is by getting thrown into the muck and digging ourselves out. The verses present feelings that occur in the moment, but looking outside-in, I'm able to say that I wouldn't be who I am without the tough stuff and the need to strive beyond it. I think this is the reason there is so much ambivalence in each verse.

Whereas the verses give us conflict, the chorus offers a sense of serenity within a relationship between two individuals. The song is quite ambiguous in terms of deciding how much of a romantic element is involved. However, my personal belief is that it is a relationship between lovers. The lyrics read "I was just wondering if you'd come along/Hold up my head when my head won't hold on/I'll do the same if the same's what you want/But if not I'll go, I will go a long way".

This part is sung in what could be described as a loving tone. There is a hope for a relationship of mutual love and the emotion of if you want to be with me I want to be with you but if not I'll be fine on my own, which is often found. That's when we're hit by the last line of the chorus which bleeds into the first parts of the verses, furthering the tension between the safety of the relationship and the harshness of the real world.

The irony of this idea is that I believe the tension can be broken. That ability rests within the individuals and their choosing to do the "mutual love" part and not the "I'll be fine on my own" part. I believe strongly in inner strength and independence, but I also think that strength often needs additional support. The best relationship, for me, makes me believe in myself even more.

And so, I think the song implicitly gives the answer to the problem it presents. The two tones, the two worlds, in the song are separate and at odds. The answer? Yes, that's right... put ‘em together. Combine the two. Introduce the harshness into the relationship. That sounds weird, but I'm talking about that thing we don't really like doing. Share how that makes you feel. In addition, introduce the relationship into the real world. Let yourself trust in someone else even when you're in the muck and alone. It's difficult, hence the song, but it's something I know I need to do. I take comfort in the way the song ends. A beautiful, and unmistakably positive, set of strings fading into silence.

Let go, let go

"Most of the brain's work is done while the brain's owner is ostensibly thinking about something else." -- Neal Stephenson

Let go. So many situations can be fixed or figured out or survived or simply enjoyed by doing that simple act. Let go. I think that's true of any part of me: body, mind, or soul. The best medicine for me is effective because it enables or allows my body's natural healing processes to work. Many times, my mind adjusts to something best when it first does so subconsciously. And, with body calm & mind clear and spirit unforced, my soul is most intuitive.

Let go. It's something we all could do a little more, I'm sure. That's hard, I know, especially for me. I'm very analytical and am drawn to the philosophy of things. I pride myself on being rational, even when I side with seemingly irrational phenomena. I like to figure things out and give reasoned explanations. Perhaps it's an adaptation for my particular needs.

I need to remember to let go more often. Letting go solves many things. It relieves stress. It empowers, in a way. It strengthens relationships. Be a friend because you value friendship. Be a friend because you need a friend, not because you're trying to get somewhere. Love someone for the sake of loving them. Love them for today. Love them for the fact that you need them and they need you, not for the sake of tomorrow's selfishness.

Make a distinction between the state of needing someone and the self-serving ego. They are very different things. Let go of work motivated only by material success. Work because it mobilizes your talents and makes you happy.

All of these reasons in this whole entry are part of why I write. The last act of creation is to let go. In my case, that means express the inspiration. Let those who receive the expression make of it what they will. Let go.